BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) LEATHER PANTS
I missed the boat on leather pants. I remember growing up during that period when leather pants were something rock stars wore. It’s shiny pants without having to be TOO shiny. I think my leather pant fascination goes back to Terminator 2. I wanted to be a robot and at that point, in my mind, all robots wore leather pants. By the time I had my own money to buy them on my own, it was too late. If I were maybe five years older than I am now, I’d of had at least two pairs. Now? No thanks.
(THREE) NAKED NEWS
I miss being uncomfortable. Back around the time “cheater boxes”, or “black boxes” as they were called in racially insensitive homes, were just going out of style I had the pleasure to experience news how it should be done. While all of my friends were enjoying “digital cable”, I was still rocking the box. This meant as long as the pay channels were within the first 70 channels (that’s as far as the box went) then I’d be set. The last time the box worked was around 2000 or so. I came across this “after hours” production where women would stare at the camera, speak lightly of the days news, and slowly take their clothes off. For a high school boy it was great, but it was hard to really enjoy the perversion of. It was a mind-f*ck. In a sick way, I’d love to watch the post 9/11 episode or a post Katrina episode. How do they handle that? If they didn’t strip would the terrorist win? How did that work?
(TWO) 90’S SLANG
I miss 90’s slang, yo. I still use it in the typical white guy ironic way, but I miss when it was said with conviction among the masses. There are two types of people who use 90’s slang now. The first is, like I said, the ones who are being ironic and the second are those who never got the memo to stop. The terms off the top of my head that I regularly use and shouldn’t include “yo”, “home skillet”, “home slice”, “westsiiiide”, “indo”, and the rest of the dialogues used in “Juice” and “Juno”.
(ONE) LESLIE NIELSON
I miss Leslie Nielson. This past week I had Comedy Central on for some random stand up and one of the random afternoon movies came on. This spot is typically reserved for American Pie variations and National Lampoon B-movies. Sometimes they’ll sneak in a good one. This time I was rewarded for my viewership with a broadcast of The Naked Gun. I would typically turn the channel because I’ve seen it about a half three dozen times. This time I let it ride out. More times than not, I found myself giggling like a school girl. Reggie Jackson?! Yes! Hill-air-it-tee! The sequels weren’t that bad either and of course there is Air Plane, Dead and Loving It, and the other comedy classics featuring Mr. Nielson rocked. I don’t think he’s dead, but I miss him.
|
