BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) TIM CALHOUN
I’ve had this conversation before. Those of us who have seen all of the Lorne Michaels executive produced SNL and SNL related movies always wonder “what if”. We loved “Blues Brothers”, “Waynes World”, and “Coneheads”. We enjoyed “Night at the Roxbury”, “Ladies Man”, and “MacGruber”. We block the memories of “It’s Pat” and “Blues Brothers 2000”. All movies based on characters from Saturday Night Life. What about the characters that did NOT get a movie but should have? That’s what I’m figuring out. To do an “All Time List” would be too easy so I’m going to break this up into 70’s, 80’s, 90’s, and 00’s over the next few weeks. We’re going in reverse… Today The First Decade of the 2000’s! Only rule: The sketch had to debut within the decade. This first one is a weird one. Tim Calhoun didn’t even have a sketch. He was a Weekend Update character. He had one other appearance, but ten of his eleven spots have been on Weekend Update. He’s a very soft spoken and insane politician. He speaks in a very slow and deliberate drawl and goes on tense rants from note cards. He’s kind of like an alien on zanax with a mission to take over the world via political invasion… or he’s just really weird. A movie centering around his political campaign would be hilarious.
(THREE) DEBBIE DOWNER
Who wouldn’t want to sit through an hour and a half of Debbie Downer? I always liked Rachel Dratch. She never got the respect she was due. She seemed like someone who would go to literally any extreme to get a laugh. The character here is a whole different extreme. It’s her basically being “a Debbie Downer”. People around her will be in a conversation and she’ll bring up the worst case scenario, a horrible fact about the topic at hand, and/or just something really “ho-hum”. A movie about Debbie Downer looking for a husband or a job would be fun. Her working at a children’s hospital, a church, an unemployment office, a foreclosure company, etc. etc. etc…. all gold.
(TWO) TWO A-HOLES
I’m a little bummed they ditched this sketch. Jason Sudeikis and Kristin Wiig as the self indulgent asshole couple was fun stuff. They’d go somewhere to get something they want and have crazy demands, random observations, and just so aloof that you can’t help but enjoy it. I’m not sure on how it could be a movie, but I’m sure it’d be entertaining.
(ONE) THE FALCONER
Will Forte has apparently rocked the first decade of SNL so hard that he was only allowed to make MacGruber and not the other billion characters he rocked. This was one that I always thought would end up being a movie. In my dream world, The Falconer has already been released. It’s a four hour 4D epic where Donald will actually fly over head and shit on you as you watch. He had close to ten appearances, but never got the movie treatment. It’s about a man… The Falconer… who used to be a business man named Ken Mortimer… who left his job to be a hermit in the forest. Now he lives with his trusty pet falcon named Donald. It’s just insanely great. I read that they did one at dress rehearsal that didn’t make the cut. It involved the Falconer finding out the bird is fake and that his entire life is just a recurring sketch on Saturday Night Live. Why the hell this was never show is criminal! Then again, maybe it was SO good they’re saving the premise for the movie!!! *crosses fingers*
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