BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) NAUGHTY MISS SANTA
I don’t get it. It’s the common trend now that once Halloween occurs that you can take any costume and make it “slutty”. Insecure women then gain attention from insecure men and make insecure and eventually “slutty” babies. Throw in some fake blood and some candy and you have Halloween. That’s Halloween. Why does it have to flow over and spill all over my wholesome Christmas. I’m all for scantily clad women, but when you toss in tinsel and a Santa hat it crosses the line of reason. What would baby Jesus think?
(THREE) EGGNOG
I don’t get it. Milk goes with cookies and rum goes with cola. Maybe I’m completely ignorant, but I’m missing the connection between egg nog and Christmas.
(TWO) CHRISTMAS CLOTHING
I don’t get it and it’s stupid. The sweaters, shirts, socks, and whatever else a cheap company can throw a Santa, a tree, or a reindeer on will be bought and exchanged. You’re a dick for giving this gift. It’s like saying “Here is a gift… that you’ll only NOT look crazy for wearing for like a month every year”. What kind of gift is that? I guess you could wear a candy cane print all year, but that’s about stretchy as this can go. C’mon, folks… solid colors.
(ONE) CHRISTMAS MUSIC
I don’t get it. Why? Oh, Why? Christmas music is the worst. I dig the orchestra and classical stuff because it’s very well written pieces, but in repetition? No way. The “12 Days of Christmas” is hell. “Jingle Bells” is ear cancer. “Silent Night” is now an R&B song that singers will try to stretch with pseudo-passion in vein of the “Star Spangled Banner”. Stores and certain radio stations throw all this music at us without option. There may be a few exceptions based purely on one’s own objective opinion, but there are no new classics for a reason. Christmas music sucks and those who make it are basically just putting their hands out and saying “give me money”. Stop it.
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