BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) SOMETHING NEW
There are always the resolutions where people say “this year, I’m going to (blank) for the first time!” or “this year I’m finally going to take that trip to (blank)” or “I’m finally getting off my ass and I’m going to learn how to (blank)”. Say it, don’t spray it, Daffy. Slacker says what? These things start becoming “someday I’m going to…” and “I always wanted to…” before you know it.
(THREE) GET OUT OF DEBT
Odds are you made this proclamation while drinking a bottle of booze that could most likely had paid for a third to a half of a minimum payment on a random bill. Everyone says it, “the economy is horrible right now” and “we’re in a recession”. I’m no money guru by any means, but I say enjoy it. Be a broke bastard with the rest of us.
(TWO) LOSE WEIGHT/EXERCISE
If you claim this one, you’re full of poo. You might as well just say “I have no resolution this year, but here… listen to me talk. Blah blah blah.” If you really want to “eat better” or “lose weight” then you should just do it. You pick a hangover day to be your first day? You need those gross foods to soak up that booze.
(ONE) STOP SMOKING
People try to rationalize that they’ll quit smoking cigarettes in the winter because they don’t want to have to stand outside and freeze for a few puffs. Whatever. Smoking in the winter is awesome. There is something very Russian about smoking in the winter. I suggest quitting when it’s more convenient. It’ll stick longer.
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