BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) JOHNNY DRAMA
He had a TV acting career that’s always on the rocks. He’s loyal as hell to his family and friends and is hilarious. Sure he’s a bit zany, but he also cooks. Myself and my friends need to be fed like kings and to laugh. He can provide both. VICTORY!
(THREE) CHANDLER BING
We know Joey wasn’t making any money, but that apartment still had deluxe recliners, an endless supply of takeout food, a foosball table, and at one point a duck and a canoe. Their TV was big and the accommodations were ideal. You just know he had premium channels too. I bring this up because as we know Joey was a fledging actor and there was no hiding his recurring money problems. Chandler always had his back. I’m not gay, but I’d probably marry Chandler Bing if he kept with the ducks and canoes.
(TWO) JANET WOOD
For eight years, Janet had Jack Tripper’s back. He may have tried to screw her and any blond they brought on, but that’s not the point. This brunette florist did great for herself. I’m pretty sure if Jack had opened up to her a little bit they’d of hooked up. I’m also pretty sure she was banging Larry from upstairs.
(ONE) BALKI BARTOKOMOUS
Show me a person who wouldn’t want to room with Balki and I’ll show you someone who is either a liar or some who fears having great adventures*. For nine seasons, Perfect Strangers ruled the world. It would easy to say, “But Mike, Balki isn’t that knowledgeable of modern American life”. That’d be true if it was 1986. I’m sure by now Balki would have a twitter, at least one receipt for the morning after pill, and would hate a random race of his choice. Basically, he’d be American. I’m not in it for the cultural hijinks. I’m all about the great adventures! Bonus points if Harriet hangs out. (*NOT Bronson Pinchot, but the character)
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