BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) TANNING
I don’t get it. I know the bullshit about how sunlight increases endorphins and makes people feel better about themselves, but tanning is NOT sunlight. It’s like having sex with a sex doll as opposed to the real thing. Sure it’ll end the same, but there is something really artificial about it. Why do young women and guys who pretend to be straight insist they “look better” with a tan. You don’t look better. You look orange. People only tell you that you look better because if you were desperate enough for praise to let a machine bake your skin then they sure as hell aren’t going to be the one to hurt your feelings.
(THREE) BLUETOOTH
I don’t get it. I don’t care if you got your hands cut off in a foreign country for stealing hotel shampoo or if you’re a scientist in need of an extra hand to complete the equation to cure cancer. While the cure to cancer would be amazing and something greater than great, I’d feel a little less thrilled about if it I found out the scientist had a Bluetooth on his ear. There is no reason for anyone to publically WALK around with a Bluetooth on your ear other than to say “look at me! I have a Bluetooth in my ear because I want you to look at me and think I’m special”. Yes, you ARE special… but not the kind you’re going for.
(TWO) HOUSE
I don’t get it. So Hugh Laurie is a bitter old man who knows a lot about science. Get rid of the cane and the bad accent and you have Mr. Wizard from back in the day. Hell, get rid of the age, cane, and bad accent and you have Dr. Cox from Scrubs. I’ve seen approximately 2 hours of House over the years it’s been on and it’s lame. It’s pretty much “whoa! This medical science case is the ‘craziest thing ever’… oh no! Complications!... Whew! Antics aside, House fixed it!” No Thanks.
(ONE) SHIRTS WITH SHOULDER DESIGNS
I don’t get it. This is kind of vague and that’s on purpose. There really aren’t any exceptions to this. A lot of the “Affliction” MMA-looking shirts are pretty much made for douche bags exclusively. But it doesn’t end there. There are some “retro” looking shirts that are guilty of the same thing. You’re not a bad ass if you have a dragon design draped over your shoulder. You’re a douche. I can’t stress this enough. If you’re going to wear an image on a shirt stick with the front chest area and the back. Anything else and you’re either a douche bag or in little league. Possibly both you little douche bag.
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