BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) BLACK MIDGETS
I know there’s the one famous one out there that was in “Bad Santa”. What I miss is Emanuel Lewis and Gary Coleman. I miss horrible sitcoms where rich white people adopted cute black kids who never grow older. Webster could climb into grandfather clocks and had a whole inner-house travel system. With Diff’rent Strokes, Arnold had the cool lines like “Whatch’you Talkin’ Bout?”. Seriously, watch the show and whenever he says the word “but” take a drink. Every line is “but Dad!” or “but Willis!” or “but Kimberly!”… a whole lot of “but”. In retrospect it’s as racist as they come with these shows, but as a child I didn’t see it like that. It was good and cheesy entertainment. What’s Kevin Hart up to?
(THREE) NEW WAVE MUSIC
I miss the over the top colors of the 80’s. At a certain point either people just stopped giving a shit or someone had a meeting deciding that it was time to make Eurotrash look classy. It’s one part techno… one part rock and roll… one part WTF. I enjoyed the older new wave stuff. The bouncey-ness, the horrible monotone vocals, and the weird production… really cool. I’d like to see THIS genre come back. The only condition is that it could not involve Rihanna, Gwen Steffani, or Lady Gaga…
(TWO) WEIRD THUMB SUCKER CANDY
I can’t be the ONLY person who remembers this. It was a candy sucker, but it was the shape of a thumb! Crazy, I know! It had a hard bubble gum bottom base to it, but it was covered by this really stubborn rubber condom-like contraption. I don’t remember it specifically tasting good, but it’s just one of those things that stand out from childhood candy. I don’t think I WANT one of those, but I’d love to see it in a store so I can see how ridiculous it was.
(ONE) THE TAN M&M
Screw the blue M&M. It’s been cool for awhile, but in the long run we could have all done without them. The blue M&M was voted for in 1995 over pink and purple by millions of M&M lovers. The real question is WHY. Why the hell did we need to end the life of the tan M&M. In the late 40’s they added this tan little treat. It didn’t do anything wrong. It hung out with the others and tasted EXACTLY like the others. Why couldn’t have they ADDED a color? Why did tan have to be the martyr for this horrible corporate marketing ploy?
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