BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) HAMILTON KHAKI TEAM EARTH WATCH
Did you know that “Indiana Jones” Harrison Ford has a watch? This company and Ford have worked together before, but on this stainless steel watch they rocked it. It’s said to be great and one to wear with anything. They also say it will last for years. My problem is that Ford wears earrings and he’s an old man. If I had the money and option to buy this watch the first thing I’m going to think about is his lame old man earring. At that point I’d put the watch down and go find something to litter.
(THREE) MAGIC JOHNSON THEATRES
I’m all for communities having local movie theatres, but c’mon! Does Magic Johnson’s name on a ticket stub make the Fast and Furious franchise any less douchey? The plan was for this company to put theatres in high African-American traffic areas. They got up about half a dozen theatres… all with his name on them. The first thing I think about when I want to see a movie is “I wonder if Magic Johnson is cool enough to have THIS at HIS theatre?” That is a lie.
(TWO) HULK ENERGY
I remember them talking about this on “Hogan Knows Best”. Hulk got his own energy drink and it did nothing. The can looks ugly and the image of Hogan on it is bad. Just really bad. When I think of “energy” and “Hulk Hogan” I automatically associate it with “stick a needle in your butt and shrink your junk” type of steroids. Would you want a Barry Bond’s energy drink? You drink that shit and you head will grow 5 hat sizes. If you drink “Hulk Energy” you instantly lose your self respect, dignity, your hair falls out, your skin turns to leather, and you become a 1980’s stereotype. I could be wrong, but I only say that because I don’t want to slander anyone.
(ONE) ELIZABETH HURLEY ORGANIC FRUIT BARS
I like Elizabeth Hurley. She’s a charming actress and is, let’s face it, REALLY attractive. She went all eco and moved to a farm a few years back. There she decided to start cranking out her own fruit bars. Just in case you don’t know it’s an Elizabeth Hurley fruit car, the actual label will in fact say “Elizabeth Hurley Organic Fruit Bar”. I’m just not comfortable with the word “Hurl” being hidden in the text of a food product.
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