BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) PORTISHEAD
People told me Portishead was good. So I took their advice to heart and gave them a fair shot. This lead to me being stuck listening to their entire discography. No thank you. It’s like the most generic of pseudo-trippy trance rock with REALLY BAD droney female vocals. In my time listening to ALL of their music I did hear some spots where the music was really cool, but as soon as the vocals kicked in I wanted to puke. If you need to puke, listen to Portishead. It’ll make it that much easier.
(THREE) EVERCLEAR
I never ever liked Everclear. I used to always get Everclear and Everlast confused. Then I realized that Everlast was the white guy with the raspy voice who used to rap. Everclear is that band with the white haired guy who looks like he’s in his 50s STILL singing about his daddy issues. Everyone has their issues, but it was always a little weird that old guys were still singing about “father of mine”. The last song I remember by them was a song about AM Radio. Yuck.
(TWO) AVENGED SEVENFOLD
I never got this one. They’re an emo-punk-rock band who stole all their style and flavor from Guns N’ Roses and old hair metal bands. They’re sleaze rock for sure. Dude’s voice is whiney even when it’s not trying. All the guitar solos sound like generic Guitar Hero levels. The melodies are ganked. Their image looks like they just went with whatever was on sale at Hot Topic that day. And out of nowhere, they’re a HUGE band headlining major tours. You people need to clean your ears out or at least listen to something with substance.
(ONE) HOLLYWOOD UNDEAD
One part Slipknot… one part Jabber-wakkies…. One part Kotton Mouth Kings… blah blah blah. This band is all style and no substance. They dress like “thugs”, but wear masks… they rap… but they sing. I’ve listened to their first album and it was one of the worst things I’ve heard in a long time that didn’t involve a “Hatchet Man”. I tried, I really did. I don’t get why people are buying into this shit. It HAS to be the image thing because there is nothing special about this band. It’s like Linkin Park decided they wanted to be even bigger douche bags.
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