BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) BOY BANDS
I miss making fun of boy bands. Life was so much easier in the 90’s when you knew who the enemy was. When I saw Backstreet, NSync, 98 Degrees, LFO, and the others you knew who to make fun of. Now some whiney and lame emo screamo pop punk band will look just as “spooky” and “bad ass” as the normal rockers. This was the crap that wasn’t clogging up the rock stations because they were too busy ruining the R&B/Rap stations. It worked out perfectly. You could make fun of boy bands, listen to metal, and still be up to date on everything thanks to TRL and Carson Daily. Horribly dyed blonde streaks and tips were much easier to spot than emo hitler hair or lesbian bowl cuts (see: Bieber, Justin).
(THREE) DYED BLONDE EMINEM HAIR
Speaking of which, I miss making fun of the “Eminem kids”. In the early 00’s, everyone in high school just loved Eminem. Every wannabe thug and insecure teen boy got the little boy hair cut and dyed it bleach white blond. This was all to look like Eminem because he was “sooooo cool”. There is one exception I can think of, but pretty much anyone who got this “do” was a shmuck. The whole “Will the Real Slim Shady please stand up?” thing was SPECIFICIALLY about people trying to be like him. Did that stop teenage suburbia? No way, dawg!
(TWO) BEANIE BABIES
I really miss Beanie Babies. It was really fun watching people go “collectors” crazy in the 90’s. Everything was a “collector’s edition” or “limited edition” or “special edition” or part of some retardiculous “set”. Be it sports cards and sports memorabilia, comics, toys, or even little shitty stuffed animals full of choking hazard beans. People were under the impression that these things were going to make them rich someday. How much are those things worth now? HA! I really wish this would have kept going. Smart folk could hire a whole crew of rubes with a few mismatched socks and a hand full of dry lima beans.
(ONE) NAME CHARMS ON CHAINS
I still see them on occasion, but there was a time I couldn’t leave the house without someone advertising their name via cheap jewelry. It’s some flat, cheap, cursive looking “name” charm. I can imagine a lot of “Jessicas” out there. The name hung there on some cheap chain waiting for strangers to come up and get into your business. It’s like a letterman jacket for women. I’m fairly certain the “name charm” necklace was the precursor to the rise in neck tattoos. I think we can all agree on how that trend should have gone. Yeeesh.
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