BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) FREDDY KRUEGER
Modern icons are hard to come by. In the old days there wasn’t much around so the good stuff ended up being endeared and loved by everyone. With that we got some great classic monsters like Frankenstein, The Mummy, Wolfman, and Dracula. I’m honored to be part of the “other great era”. With that we got Jason, Michael Meyers, Pinhead, Chuckie, and my favorite Freddy Krueger. Freddy’s face, sweater, bladed glove, fedora, laugh, and one liners became a part of Americana and pop culture forever. It was a perfect character. Then they remade it and tried to make it “more realistic”. Realistic? It’s a horror movie about a burnt up child molester who haunts dreams and has a glove with blades on the fingers. The new one sucked so badly that I’m worried that younger folks aren’t going to know the REAL awesomeness of Freddy.
(THREE) YOGI BEAR
Did you see the recent Yogi Bear CGI shit fest? For YOUR sake, I really hope not. I love Dan Aykroyd, Justin Timberlake, and Anna Farris but this shitty movie was a monstrosity. I remember most of my Yogi exposure being from the short cartoons shown on Bozo in the mornings. It was fun stuff. Yogi had a certain swagger and was smooth about stealing the picnic baskets. In this recent movie it was crap. They should have went with straight animation instead of the “Chipmunk CGI” look.
(TWO) SMURFS
Why? Why screw this up? Do we need live actors in a kid’s movie? When did this become the norm? I have no big issue with them using CGI because I’ve come to terms that real animation is taboo now. But why not a Toy Story style? Why do they have to take the Smurfs and make it seem really cheap and crappy? Stupid people and their stupid kids are going to love this crapfest, but us old school fans know the real coolness of these little blue people.
(ONE) VAMPIRES
What the hell happened? The creepy and brooding legend that is a vampire has just about been ruined. Vampires were scary and frightening during the black and white days. Nosferatu is still a haunting movie. “Count Dracula” was a bad ass. I am a true believer that vampires should be sophisticated, smooth, and blood hungry monsters. They’re cool enough for you to want to be like them, but monstrous enough for you to still fear them. A great modern example is “Interview With a Vampire”. Cruise and Pitt tore that shit up. In recent times, “Twilight” as ruined vampires. Glittery emo vampires who never really get bloody? I shouldn’t be more scared of vampire than I am of Robert Smith from The Cure. I’m not anymore. He’s scary!
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