BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) WHITE GUYS WITH “FADES”
This is going to sound racial, but it has to be said. White people can grow their hair out longer than the short and clean Eminem-slash-military look. White guys don’t need to keep their hair THAT short and have it “faded”. That’s a black thing because it works for black people. It’s almost like their clean cut version of our classic “Short haired Andy Griffith part”. When white guys get their hair faded they’re either military types or wannabe thug types. Style is not the enemy. I’m honored that you served in the military, but exercise your American freedom to let loose. For us folically challenged, it’s a huge slap in the face. I’m not saying everyone has to have long hippy hair or shags, but buzz cuts and short dos are a huge waste.
(THREE) DAVID HASSELHOFF
Did I not get the memo for this massive inside joke? Why does David Hasselhoff keep getting jobs and have fans again? I know the Germans or some other European country like them, but they also liked Hitler and signed Allen Iverson to a basketball contract. He did Knight Rider and Baywatch, two shitty shows. If we’re going to love people for having steady TV work let’s all chip in and send Ted McGinley a hooker. That dude is WAY cooler, less cheesy, and a better actor.
(TWO) BJORK
I attempt to be open minded when it comes to music. I think it’s really important to open yourself up to new possibilities and things that wouldn’t normally be your thing. That said, I’ve tried more than once with Bjork. It sounds like a dolphin being harmed over slowed down techno. I don’t get how anyone can REALLY appreciate her work. I’ve seen tons of people claim her as a huge influence on their work. I appreciate her weirdness and her making art different than everyone else, but it’s not my cup of tea. I just don’t get it.
(ONE) HOMEMADE SLEEVELESS SHIRTS
I understand it gets hot and I understand the horrors of holes in the pits of shirts. It happens and it sucks. This doesn’t excuse common etiquette. It’s not just jocky guys pretending they’re coming from or on the way to the gym. It’s common work out gear, but it’s spread too far into the common population. Too many middle age NASCAR types cut their sleeves off and just go sit and drink beer. Screw all ‘em! Why do we need to see your male answer to “side boob”? It’s not appropriate. If you feel a need to go sleeve-less buy a tank top. And even then tank tops should only be allowed if you’re an NBA player and IN a game. No other time. Wear a real shirt, hippy!
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