BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) ROLLERSKATE SHOES
I’m too old and uncool for these kind of shoes. They’re a cross between a sneaker and a roller skate. The look like normal shoes, but hidden underneath is a wheel that lets people practically glide. It’s the closest thing I’ve seen to a ghost yet.
(THREE) TOP HATS
I was told that the first person to wear a top hat was cited by the law because of “intimidation”. That sounds about right. Typically top hats are worn by fancy rich people or crazy types. Sure there will be the occasional hipster person trying to be ironic with it and get people in girl pants to like them, but it’s far less worse than the horrid little surfer boy fedora. It’s not even a real fedora, it’s what 1950’s rapists wore to be sharp looking.
(TWO) LIGHT JACKET WEATHER
I have a few light jackets that I enjoy wearing, sue me! The summer is too hot and uncomfortable. The winter is too cold and unbearable. I like fall because it’s good “apple cider” weather. I also think layers are awesome. I’m not fashionista. I can’t explain it. I just do. If it gets too warm, you can take if off. Okay, whatever. I don’t make fun of you for that one thing…
(ONE) THE FIRST PEE
A good night’s sleep is often capped off with that magical “first pee”. Your bladder laid there all night and when you wake up it’s ready to come out. I don’t know what it is, but it’s pretty amazing. No one in their right mind can argue this one, but they just won’t talk about it.
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