BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) THE TABLE
I like the basics. In my days of watching wrestling there hasn’t been a weapon so demanded. Bubba Ray would command D-Von to get one, the crowd would chant for one on a nightly basis, and I’m pretty sure Sabu’s overuse of them is what financially ruined ECW. The table! It’s not the typical swing-at-you weapon, but you can do so much with one. Set it up in the corner, outside the ring, inside the ring, lay it flat on the top ropes to use as a platform, etc. etc. etc. All I know is that when someone goes through one juuuuust right it’s a paradox of precise beauty and random destruction.
(THREE) THE SINAPORE CANE
Whoever decided to start calling it a “kendo stick” should be beaten by a Singapore cane. Sure it’s probably called a “kendo stick” in ninja gymnastics, but in wrestling it was introduced to me as the Singapore cane and that’s what it’ll always be. It’s a big stick used to beat people with! I just think the loud “crack” sound is awesome. I wouldn’t want anyone to REALLY be caned, but in this protected sense of the weapon it’s like a sword made of table.
(TWO) THE MICROPHONE
This is an odd one, I know. It’s not used very often anymore, but when it is it’s always a surprise. I like the idea of someone getting hit in the face/head with the mic. It’s like they have no regard for equipment and really… who in the hell hits someone with a microphone? That’s some underhanded and dirty shit if you ask me. Not enough mic hits!
(ONE) THE STEEL CHAIR
I’m a purist. It’s the Swiss Army Knife of wrestling weapons. I like my steel chair shots and I like them to the unprotected skull! I think ECW and early 90’s wrestling spoiled me. Wrestlers would just walk right into a brutal chair shot like it was nothing. We’d come to learn that this fucked up a lot of people in the long run, but I still miss the chair. It CAN be done right, but I respect and get why they don’t in WWE anymore. My issue is that the chair is still of value. The con-chair-toe, using it as a jumping platform (see Sabu), a throat crusher, an ankle breaker, etc. etc. etc.
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