BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) CAKE TV
Cake Wars, Cupcake Wars, Cake Boss, Cupcake Killers, Law and Order : Cake Shop, and all these random cake shows are ridiculous. I can’t turn through my cable without something about cake being on. We all love cake, but do we need to watch overly elaborate pieces of a crappy art be made over and over? It’s like 90% sugary concrete and 10% cake. It’s not like someone’s going to see and say “I’m going to use THAT recipe later”.
(THREE) MILLIONAIRE MATCHMAKER PATTI STANGER
Socially awkward rich guys go to this lady to hook them up with socially awkward rich women. The lady is crazy and annoying. She’s an uppity loud mouth with no redeeming qualities what so ever. She’s like the worst “Real Housewife” morphed with the worst “Teen Mom” fused with the morals and standards of the cast of Jersey Shore’s shadiest of friends. That says a lot, but I still feel like I’m understating how horrible this woman is.
(TWO) “HE SLEEP”
While this one could be a little touchy with some, this lazy slang covers all races. The words “he sleep” is NOT a real level of consciousness. One can say “he is sleeping” or “he is asleep” and all would be well. Even “he asleep” is wrong. It’s not like I’m saying “stop being you!”, I’m saying be a literate and verbally mature version of you. I’m a big fan of words and their use and I’m a little screwy in the head. When I hear “he sleep” my brain has to process over the idea of “wow, HE is sleep?! The thing I’ve been doing every night since birth… that’s THIS guy!” It’s weird on my part, but at least my weirdness is within the reasonable realm of a 3rd grade English book.
(ONE) WEIRD AL YANKOVIC IN 2011
If you search on youtube you’re going to find TONS of “parody songs”. Dumb kids and people with too much time on their hands will sing-a-long, change lyrics, do dances, and all that crap. Someone comes out on a Friday and by the following Wednesday people are already spoofing it. Weird Al Yankovic had a lot of success in the past, but in 2011 isn’t he a bit obsolete? He just most recently put out a Lady Gaga parody. I’m pretty sure even Lady Gaga is parodying herself at this point. And food puns in 2011? Dude, Kesha is using whiskey as mouth wash and he’s still talking about ham? His perm sucks too.
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