BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) GENE SIMMONS
I’m pretty sure Shannon Tweed is the pimpest gold digger/”real housewife type” of all time. She gets to dip deep into what I call the “Gene Simmons’ Sold Soul Account”. I hate Gene Simmons. He is everything that is wrong with not just music, but humanity. He looks like a baboon with a bad wig. He looks like a fake Indian from a 1950’s John Wayne movie. He looks like he smells like farts and Old Spice. He looks someone who could only be famous if he covered up his face and relied on the musical talents of those around him. Wait, that last one is fact.
(THREE) HANGING “BALLS” ON TRUCKS
Were the Confederate flag covered back windows, big wolf pictures, “Git’er Done” mudflaps, and random anti-Obama stickers not enough? Now douchey redneck types have to REALLY over-compensate. The old story of dickhead dudes getting sports cars and big trucks to over-compensate their lack of testicular fortitude has been said for year. How ironic is it that people now attach fake bull, cow, whatever testicles to the back of their truck. It’s not funny, witty, edgy, or anything positive. This is clearly the dumbest trend in many months.
(TWO) SIGNING A CAST
It sucks to break a bone and have to wear a cast. It’s stiff, it’s itchy, and it’s at least a few week trip to Bummersville, USA. I think anyone who has experienced it themselves or can understand the restrictions and inconvenience of it can understand and empathize the pain. That said, why do we need to SIGN a cast? When did this nonsense start? I’m sure there is some logical answer to that, but even then, why do we STILL do it? Do we really need to see awkwardly written messages and illegible signatures on it? It’s not a baseball and your friends and coworkers are not the 1954 Yankees. Proper empathy is all you should get….a “Get Well” card at most.
(ONE) SINGLE PLY TOLIET PAPER
In 2011, I think it’s pretty much common sense that we should just eliminate “single ply”. We’ve had “two ply” for years. They should still make “single ply” though. They can use it in prison, send it to countries in need, and just keep it around as a reminder of harder times. Sure at first it was a luxury, but I’m pretty sure it’s a given right now. I’ve heard rumors of “three ply”, but I don’t think I’m in the proper tax bracket to discuss such things.
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