BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) CANDY
This is where it’s at. As a kid, we’d walk the streets in ANY weather to get our little dirty hands on all the free Almond Joys we could. This is a big deal for kids. It’s a ritual that we all know and love. If you don’t have a connection or memories of trick or treating then you’re not cool enough to read this. As an adult, we get to sneak in a few random little candy bars and snack on them…. “in the spirit” of the season. Yeaaah.
(THREE) SLUTTY COSTUMES
I’m not a chauvinist. It has become a tradition now for normal girls to dress slutty in the guise of “this is my costume”. I prefer my women to be classy and not over the top slutty. Too slutty is uncomfortably lame. If you stare at the chesticles too long, you’re a creep. But they WANT you too. It’s not fair and it’s not right. Yay… a slutty devil. Yay… a slutty pirate. Yay… a slutty nun… Yay… It’s November 1st!
(TWO) PUMPKINS
I can’t remember the last time I carved or painted a pumpkin. I’m not upset about that. I do like pumpkins though. It’s the only time during the year that pumpkins are really in high demand. Around September you’ll start seeing TONS of pumpkin sales. That’s cool. It’s a very seasonal thing. It’s around for awhile and then gone before you know it. The search for the perfect pumpkin is never done.
(ONE) EVILNESS
I like evilness. I’m not a mean or bad person. At least, I try not be. I still like the dark, the morose, the evil, and the more nocturnal of atmospheres. It has almost become cliché that people say Halloween is their favorite holiday. I’m not going to go out of my way for it, but I accept it more. Christmas is a Coca Cola commercial, Easter is about bunnies, it’s too hot on the Fourth of July, and all the other holidays are just excuses for mail not being delievered. Halloween IS the best holiday. There is something more genuine in its evil than the pseudo-kindness of the other bullshit holidays.
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