BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) SELF HARM = ART
I’m not trying to be morbid here, but where else can grown men cut themselves in the glory of “art”. Yeah, sorry old timey vets but this is one area of kayfabe that should be exposed, pointed at, laughed at, and spit on. For years you’d hear really dumb-faced people say “it’s ketchup!” or “look at that fake blood!” I’d rather we all just admit this one. The wrestlers cut themselves… bleed into little bags and then the ref hands the blood bag to the wrestler when no one’s looking. The whole “gushing” effect is a whole science of its own…
(THREE) BEATEN DEAD HORSES
Did you not get enough John Cena feuding with Edge? Not enough Hogan battling against Ric Flair? Not enough Austin and McMahon? No matter how awesome something is for a short period of time the truth is that good ideas ALWAYS get beaten into the ground. If someone makes money doing something in wrestling then that idea officially becomes embodied in “the cycle”. By that I mean, wrestling is a cycle. Certain stories, styles, matches, etc are part of that to the point they’re repeated over and over again. On the feud side of things, it’s always cool to see a long term story about two rivals. The problem is that the stories they attach to these long term rivalries isn’t worth it. Wrestling has a really hard time letting go and transitioning. Need proof? Watch TNA.
(TWO) INSIDE POLITICS
“The Montreal Screw Job” is the first thing that comes to mind. Watch the DVD about the Michaels/Hart rivalry and move on. There is plenty more cases of “locker room dirt”. When old wrestlers need (drug) money random wrestling related production companies and websites stick a camera in front of them. From there they air personal experience, opinion, and backstage stories from their career. It’s basically an interview where they try to pry the most controversial stories out of someone. Needless to say, this stuff is awesome. The stories that are always most interesting to me is the theory behind things. Did you know about Austin not wanting to put over Jeff Jarrett? If that hadn’t happened, Jarrett might not have left WWE and then went the TNA route. That hypothetical shit blows my mind. The whole spree of stories about Hogan being a dick to people, how Dusty would hold people down, how Booker T once beat up Batista, how Sid stabbed Arn Anderson with scissors, how Sid was more concerned with softball, and like a million more little stories. This stuff is so tedious, but when you take a passion in it you just eat it all up.
(ONE) ANYTHING… CAN… HAPPEN
Back in the day they made it a slogan… “Anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation!” This is true. WWE had Muppets on RAW recently. Limos have exploded, giants have been thrown off roofs of buildings, dead men throw lightning bolts, people have been lit on fire, Robocop appeared, Chucky appeared, a man dressed in chicken outfit appeared, random impersonators of presidents show up, celebrities, and so much more. Wrestling, when treated the way it should be, is a blank canvas ready to be covered with as much obscurity as possible.
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