BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) LOOKS LIKE HE SMELLS LIKE PEE
Yep. I said it. When I see Dane Cook I can’t help but think he smells like urine. There is just something about him that triggers the connection to the scent of urine in my brain. For some reason, there is something in my life experiences that would make my brain trigger a memory of the smell of urine when seeing someone with the attributes of Dane Cook. Seriously. I know it’s mean and sorta really funny, but it’s true. If I don’t like someone or am not digging on something I don’t seek out a scent to associate with it. I’m not THAT weird. It just happened. In my innocent mind, Dane Cook smells like pee.
(THREE) JOKE STEALER
I know there’s an episode of Louie that made this all better. Dane Cook just magically came up with the SAME material as Louis CK did years before? I can get small coincidences, but there were direct lines and inflections that were just too close for comfort. Mr. CK is just THAT awesome where he can make light of it and shrug it off because he’ll say a million more funny things that Dane Cook will WANT to steal in the future. It’s not just Louis CK though. It’s others. He’s just hacky. I’m still not sold on him being “okay” now out of nowhere. Thus, I reserve my right to hold a grudge as long as I want… even if it doesn’t involve me.
(TWO) BAD COMEDIAN
He’s like Carrot Top except he’s using dumb people and teenagers as his props instead of coconuts and rubber chickens. He’s spastic. He’s everything bad about everything. He doesn’t really tell stories, he doesn’t have a narrative, he doesn’t have punch lines, he’s a dick to other comedians, and he’s for the date-raping-affliction-shirt-wearing-gelled-up-douche-bag crowd. He’s comedy for the lowest common denominator. He’s the AXE body spray of comedy.
(ONE) BAD ACTOR
“But he was good in Mr. Brooks!” That’s what people say when they’re desperately trying to sick up for Dane Cook’s acting. “But he was good in Mr. Brooks!” C’mon! He’s playing a creepy version of Dane Cook. Big deal. The shitty part is that I’ve been told “But he was good in Mr. Brooks!” from three different people. Craptastic. Then the movies with Jessica Simpson, Jessica Beal, and the other dozen Jessicas. Then he was a waste in Waiting. People all seem to just love him in THAT too. That’s actually when I came to the conclusion that he does in fact smell like pee.
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