BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) GIFTS
In theory getting stuff is always fun, but there is just too much crap on X-Mas. You have to go all out to get someone a gift they won’t nearly appreciate as much as time and effort you put in. You have to deal with exchanges. You have to deal with regifting. Unless you’re a douche and only receive gifts rather than giving then the stress, pressure, and draining just isn’t worth it. This is NOT a personal attack on any gift I’ve received or given. Just in general…
(THREE) SWEATERS
Why the hell do we need Christmas sweaters? It’s like having an official douche bag uniform specifically set to the side for about a month a year. I have no problem with sweaters, or even ugly sweaters for that matter, but it’s just the holiday ones that make me want to punch elves. Especially, those horrible sweaters that include things like glitter, lights, or those little furry balls. What the fuck is up with those furry little balls on Christmas shirts?
(TWO) DECORATION
Candy canes, murdered pine trees covered in plastic mementos, reindeer, old fat guys in red, mangers, baby saviors, presents with bows, green and red, flashing lights, stockings, etc. etc. etc. I can go on and on with all the decorative tradition that goes with Christmas. Why do we need this? What does it really prove when you cover your house in a zillion lights? Does it mean you’re better at Christmas than me? Screw you and stop using Baby Jesus’ B-Day as your chance to overcompensate and get attention!
(ONE) THE MUSIC
The music of Christmas is pretty depressing. It’s all slow emotional drivel that’s all full of deep spirit, somberness, and pandering crap. I can’t take a singer serious if they’re trying to get passionate about Santa, Christmas, or the like. Some of it is basically church hymns with a little bit of melody. No thank you. Then there’s the “happy” stuff. It’s the same crap that’s been in movies, played at parties, on radio, and sung over and over. There is no other holiday or season that sucks so much when it comes to music. Stupid “Christmas albums” take up shelf space when music that should be enjoyed all year and without a stupid holiday gimmick is pushed to the back. And why the fuck do stores force it on us? Thanks for the reminder, WalMart! Like I didn’t know it was Christmas! Thank you! My ears needed to be updated on current events.
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