BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) CHEAP QUARTER RIDES
I remember there being like four to up to even a half dozen of these horrible quarter or fifty cent “rides”. It was like a rocket, a motorcycle, a three horse carrousel, a lone horse, a race car, random animals, cartoons, clown-like shit, and a whole slew of these things. They’d rotate in a circle or rock back and forth in a really awkward jerking motion. I’m pretty sure these things are the reason white people have no rhythm.
(THREE) SPORT MOVIES FOR KIDS
I grew up with “Rookie of the Year”, “Little Big Leaguer”, “Space Jam”, “Sandlot”, “Mighty Ducks”, “Little Giants”, and about a dozen others. Then as a younger adult I saw “Varsity Blues”, “Remember The Titans”, and others. It’s just weird that there isn’t many sport movies for kids anymore. I know “Like Mike” came out sorta recently, but I can’t think of many or any other sport movies for kids to come out in recent years. I’m sure I’ve missed a couple duds, but the quality obviously does NOT match up to what my generation got to enjoy.
(TWO) DIAL-UP MODEM NOISE
I don’t want dial-up internet connections. That shit was horrible. We’d have to wait minutes just to see one full jpeg or gif image. AOL chat rooms, alta-vista, and stickdeath.com were literally the only websites in existence. It was mind blowing to us simple folk. This whole majestic experience was all kicked off with the scrambled noise that was a dial-up modem. That noise was like a remix of nails on a chalkboard, but was so welcomed and awesome. It represented the beginning of the information age. I think that sound should be part of the national anthem! Who’s with me?!
(ONE) BULLIES
I don’t like kids getting screwed with, but it’s a lesson to be learned. Assholes are out there. They exist in the workplace, the home, the mall, the church, and yes… the school. Asshole people have asshole kids. A lot of the people in the entertainment and arts world were bullied or have some sort of insecurity. Hell, everyone has their own insecurities. Sometimes an asshole will be a jerk because they hate themselves or just have such lame and miserable lives that they have to take it out on others. This is something that needs to be saved. Save the Bullies! Without bullies who would the gang in movies like “Animal House” rally against? What about the jocks in “Revenge of the Nerds”? How would Springfield be without Nelson, Carney, Jimbo, and the bullies? Bullies are basically “bad guys”. The world needs them just as much as the good people to keep a balance. If bullies are exterminated “good people” will have no one to overcome and thus will become weak and frail pussies. Its happening and we need to stop it! It’s not like I wasn’t subject to my own ridicule, but I believe there is a balance here that needs to be evened out.
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