BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) POP ROCKS/POP
True Story. I once took a big mouth full of pop rocks and then a big swig of pop. Before I knew it the sugar and carbonation in the soda interacted with the popping crystal pop rocks. There was a fizz, a sound of fizz and the crackling of pop rocks. Then I chewed the pop rocks, swallowed the cola, and then I would go on to piss confetti for a month. Like I said, true story.
(THREE) BLOODY MARY
Some would say “Candyman”, but I was raised Catholic. So at the time I was rebellious and acceptant of a higher power named “God”. I had no problem with the “Bloody Mary” idea. The whole concept was to go into a dark bathroom, stare into the mirror, and repeat the words three times. Nothing would happen. The anticipation would build, someone would get creeped out, and then the rest of the night you spend psyching yourself up that “weird” and “spiritual” things are happening. Speaking of which…
(TWO) OUIJA BOARDS
Everything I just said about the anticipation building and then getting psyched up. The Ouija board involves a prop though. It’s basically a board game. It’s a game board with letters and numbers sprawled out over it in an old timey font. Then there’s this thing you use to roll over the board and point at letter’s with. The idea is for people to all put their hands on it and then it’ll magically “move” and “spell out a message”. It’s kind of fun and spooky, but it’s pretty silly and dumb in the long run. It’s a waste of time. At least with Monopoly you learn about capitalism and with Clue you have to solve a crime. With this, you just have to play along, giggle, and let yourself be made a fool of. That said, I sorta want a Quija Board now.
(ONE) SWIMMING AFTER EATING
This one still bothers the shit out of me. I’ve been around many people who stood by this ruling. They said “don’t go swimming for about twenty minutes after eating”. Why? I’m sure there are some weak stomached people out there who get woozy and can’t handle themselves, but why are we ALL punished for this. It would be like a teacher holding back an entire class because one kid wasn’t ready to advance. I have a feeling that I’d be an Olympic swimmer if you add up all the swimming time I would have had shortly after meals. Waiting twenty minutes? LAME. I’m convinced that this is REALLY why the band “went down with the boat” on the Titanic. They were the last people to eat.
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