BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) “BIRTH PAIN” IS A MYTH TO MAKE MEN FEEL GUILTY.
The physics of pushing a near ten pound baby out of your hole is crazy. So crazy that I think there’s something more to it. I’m fairly certain it’s not possible. I’ve had hard enough time putting on a tight pair of socks that a long pushing out a near ten pound baby out of my hole. This is why I think it’s a myth. I think the women of old felt it, but now it’s 2012. I’m pretty sure the technology has made things better. I know, I know… “It’s the worst pain in the world!”… Try sitting on your balls! I don’t even think women poop. When they go to the bathroom they stare at the mirror and practice kissing. That could be wrong. I don’t know.
(THREE) MORGAN FREEMAN HAS GOD’S PHONE NUMBER.
Morgan Freeman is not human. He’s humanity. He represents all that is distinguished and good in the world. If he hadn’t played the president in those disaster action movies I don’t think our country would be comfortable enough to vote in Obama. He was cast as God and no one blinked. You know why? Everyone… EVERYONE loves Morgan Freeman. He has been part of some of the best movies in modern era. He is the voice of Penguins, he played God, he played the President, he played everything. He is also a really great guy. I’ve never heard anyone say anything bad about him. That would be sacrilegious. God would be pissed too. Who do you think God texts at 3 AM? That’s right… Morgan Freeman!
(TWO) MANNEQUINS WOULD DANCE IF STORES PLAYED BETTER MUSIC.
I’ve done my share of shopping. I notice the mannequins. I notice the mannequins noticing me. I’ve seen the movie “Mannequin” AND the awesome sequel. I know there’s something more to it. Another thing I notice is that the music that is played in these stores just flat out sucks. I used to wonder and now I know. If these stores would play better music the mannequins would dance.
(ONE) 7 UP, SPRITE, & SERRIA MIST ARE “IN ON IT” TOGETHER.
I know there is a difference. I’ve encountered some people who are die-hard Sprite people and then there are those who went the Mist route. The only time I ever hear anyone talk about 7 Up these days is when someone is sick with the flu. Somewhere in history the idea of drinking a 7 Up while stuffed out became a common practice. What the hell is that about? Why not… I dunno… medicine? I think this marketing conspiracy could be a rant on its own. Cutting to the chase… I think these lemon lime brands are all in on it together. They’re the same thing. One had a little more sugar, one has a little more lemon, one has more carbonation. It’s all the same. I know the actual liquid is a clearish green, but why do the bottles and cans ALL have to be green as well? Why wouldn’t they stray and create their own image? Because they’re the SAME!
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