BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) WOMEN NEED HELP FARTING.
Why else would they go to the bathroom in groups? They have to push on their friend’s stomachs to “assist” them in their “release”. This HAS to be the case. Otherwise there is a risk that an “audible squeak” is heard in public. I know this is all really silly and my “code words” for things are just plain silly, but so is the idea of women farting.
(THREE) NASCAR ON THE BET NETWORK WON’T HAPPEN ANYTIME SOON.
We see NASCAR on more and more television stations. It’s officially lost its “new car smell”(pun intended) and has settled into the bowels of sports, entertainment, and redneck gatherings. That said, I don’t think we’ll ever see “NASCAR ON BET” any time soon. I seriously doubt that in our lifetime we’ll see camouflage-hat wearing, 3 wheeler driving, camping people (*cough*rednecks*cough*) having to sit through the last ten minutes of 106 and Park waiting for this years “Compton 500” race.
(TWO) CANADA IS UP TO SOMETHING.
I have to assume that Canada is up to something fishy. Look at the entertainment imports we’ve gotten from them in more recent years. We got Drake, Justin Bieber, Nickelback, and a slew of other horrible things. How is that fair? Meanwhile they’ve gotten stricter with their borders and keep cranking out that vile sticky maple syrup. I’m pretty sure they’re steal America an inch at a time. Luckily, they’ll swallow up Detroit before it gets to the Chicagoland area. Once they have to deal with Detroit they’ll self destruct too. I don’t know why I’m being so shitty towards Detroit, but fuck’em!
(ONE) TIM BURTON KNOWS JOHNNY DEPP’S SECRET.
Why else would Johnny Depp give up his acting career to wear silly costumes. I think Tim Burton has a “Johnny Depp in costume” fetish. So much that even when he’s not making Depp wear a costume for HIS movie he insists he wears silly costumes in ALL of his movies. I wonder if Johnny Depp is a big fan of Creed or is scared of the dark and Tim Burton knows. It HAS to be a bad secret for Depp to continue to do this stuff.
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