BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) A TEST
If you listen to Nickelback and enjoy their so-called “music” then you shouldn’t be allowed to do a lot of things. Things like reproducing, making important decisions, and breathing are all optional. There are exception to the rules, but if you like Nickelback you’re pretty much dead to me. I hate to be harsh, but Nickelback is the epitome of what’s wrong with music and the minds of the general masses. If you like Nickelback then there is a great chance you’re a douche bag or lame-o. So this is why I say “a test”. Get a Nickelback CD (or steal it) and leave it laying around. If someone picks it up and say “Wow! You like Nickelback too!?” you have full rights to stomp them in the nards. Yep… Stomp. Them. In. The. Nards.
(THREE) A REFLECTOR
I’m not totally fond of my neighbors so I really did this. I took a disc and put it in my window with the shiney part facing their window. So now if the sun reflects on it just right it’ll blind them! MUAHAHAHHAHAH. It’s not a Nickelback CD, but rather a burning error DVD. That slightly melted, sun damaged, dirty burning error DVD is still worth more to me than anything by the twats that put out “How You Remind Me”.
(TWO) COASTER
This is simple. Use the damn thing as a coaster. Set your drink on it. Light a candle and let the excess wax drip on the disc instead of ruining your table spread. My only real suggestion here is to put the art work face down so you don’t have to see the words “Nickelback” and you don’t have to even process their “art”.
(ONE) THE ANTI-GIFT
If I were REALLY mad at someone, I’d give them the gift of bad music. Imagine the face of your loved ones when they open up gift to find a Nickelback CD staring back at them. I’m pretty sure they’d curse at you. It’s a great “gag gift” in the same spirit. Still, I’d rather get a box of rubber dog poo than be forced to experience the gifting of a Nickelback album. So, if I were you I’d stick to using Nickelback CDs as hate-gifts. Hate you’re brother but HAVE to get them something for his birthday? I bet they either leave you alone out of hate or feel the wrath of hurt feelings. I mean… who the fuck gives someone a Nickelback CD? That’s just horrible.
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