BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) ENERGY DRINKS ARE MADE OF DEAD STRIPPER BLOOD.
It’s been years since I’ve been to an “establishment”, but I know how it works. It’s a lot of dumb young chicks who were told they were attractive all their lives dancing in little to no clothing for the money of desperate and lonely men. What happens when these dumb young chicks get older? What happens? Do they become bad mothers? Do they become waitresses? I know some hang on to their “dancing” career too long, but what the hell happens to old strippers? I’m convinced that strippers are drained of their blood and it’s sold off as energy drinks. An energy drink IS the “stripper” of beverages. You look lame with either of them and you’re only really indulging because you have no other choice. So yeah… energy drinks are made of dead stripper blood.
(THREE) TRAMPOLINES ARE REALLY JUST REALLY BAD HUMAN SLINGSHOTS.
A trampoline is bouncy like a rubber band, but trampolines don’t give nearly the same snap and distance of a rubber band. I know shooting a paper clip with a rubber band is one thing and a person bouncing on a trampoline is another, but the theory is the same. If trampolines were built better people would be flying crazy high. That’s all I’m saying.
(TWO) SKINNY JEANS SAVE RAPPER’S LIVES.
This one is simple. You can’t hide a gun in skinny jeans. In 2012, I’m not even that scared to go to the Source awards. Things have changed. In the day folks wore baggy shirts, baggy jeans, and tons of layers. It was easy to conceal a weapon in big baggy jeans. I wonder if hip hop had gone pussy soft like it is now about twenty years ago if Pac and Biggie would be alive. Then again, I don’t think either of them would let their genre adapt to that retard-iculous fashion trend. You might as well wear spanks, ya freak!
(ONE) YOUR SHITTY WAITRESS BEATS HER KIDS.
I know people have their good days and bad. I can accept that. The thing is that if you know for a fact that your waitress is shitty, then she was probably a stripper for one, but I’m convinced that your shitty waitress beats her kids. It’s HORRIBLE. I don’t want any kids getting beat. Not cool at all. It’s also not cool to ignore the fact I asked for some ranch dressing on the side. That kind of heinous neglect has to cross over to one’s personal lives. Those poor kids. If you’re a kid and reading this and your waitress mom beats you then please tell a teacher or something. You don’t have to put up with your shitty waitress mom ANY MORE.
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