BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) GREMLINS
Gremlins were awesome. The sequel was silly, but the Gremlins were awesome. Stil… sorta dark. The first movie especially. Gizmo was cute, but the shaved Furby looking mother fuckers weren’t. I don’t get why anyone liked them. It was just some unappealing shit. In fact, the darker shit and the violence in this movie was part of the reason the MPAA altered the rating system to include a PG13.
(THREE) HOWARD THE DUCK
An alien duck comes to Earth. Dirty mid 80’s hilarity ensues. This movie seemed like a lot of fun back in the day. A sarcastic and fun alien duck hanging out with bitches with teased hair and Jeffrey Jones going ape shit trying to get them. I admit that on paper this sounds AMAZING. The truth is that it’s just a little too dark for a kids movie and a little too hokey for a passable comedy. I’m all for safe sex, but we didn’t need to see a duck’s wallet condom.
(TWO) RETURN TO OZ
The Wizard of Oz is one of the world’s most pleasant and popular movies of all time. It’s a classic. In 1985 they made an “unofficial sequel” and it was insane. I like this movie. It’s creepy and dark in the fun ways. Fairuza Balk stars as Dorothy. She returns to Oz after no one believing her and getting shock therapy to cure her of her “craziness”. From there it’s a crazy bizarre world of uncomfortableness. I don’t want to spoil anything but there is a crazy bitch who literally wears people’s heads and if you were weirded out by the flying monkeys you’ll LOVE the roller skate people.
(ONE) THE GARBAGE PAIL KIDS MOVIE
This is known as one of the worst movies of all time. It really is. I watched it when I was a kid a few times. I remember it being creepy and weird. I tried watching it again a few years ago. It was horrible. The actual garbage pail kids are HORRIBLE. They’re gross, unfunny, and there is no redeeming quality. It’s not even “so bad it’s good”. It’s “so bad it’s painfully bad”. There is nothing positive about this. Don’t watch this for ironic purposes and for the love of all that is good don’t force your children to watch it. If they ask to watch this movie, send them to time out immediately.
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