BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) UFC & MMA FIGHTERS ARE VIOLENT HUGGERS
The MMA fighters are typically the over-aggressive mongrel-looking barbaric “prison-rape” types. I’m sure many of them could beat me up and would at the drop of a hat for insulting them or talking bad about them. This is because physical conflict is what they thrive on and to have an intellectual conversation would pop their brains. One of the many “perks” of being a freak of nature like this is that a hug can kill someone. There have been an uncountable amount of deaths resulting because of a simple hug between a MMA fighter and a small child. If you have weak bones avoid MMA fighters! Even for loving embraces!
(THREE) “HASH TAG” IS A SYNONYM FOR “I NEED ATTENTION!”
Remember when a “hash tag” was called a “pound sign”? Those were the days. Before Twitter ruined tic-tac-toe for everyone, the word “hash” was designated for being a variety of illegal substance. Now whenever has a “quirky” saying, something to pimp, or a random idea they’ll throw a “hash tag” in front of it as some sort of internet fashion statement. Unless you’re a mainstream commodity, your “hash tag” is not likely to trend. Instead, it’s like this whole “Look at me! I’m haaaaash-taaaaaaging! Look! Please! Look at me!” #insecure #dontcare
(TWO) MARK WAHLBERG REALLY HATES COMEDY
Mark Wahlberg keeps showing up in bigger budget comedies. He was in “Due Date”, “The Other Guys”, and seems to keep popping up in more and more comedies. I’m pretty sure he has like a half dozen comedies in various stages of production. It’s cool he wants to branch out, but I tend to think there is something more to it. I’m fairly certain Mark Wahlberg hates comedy. You see, he’s not very good. In fact, he’s so not-very-good that his presence makes a comedy movie less funny. So if he shows up he’s hurting comedy… that’s exactly what he’s doing. Why you ask? Because he HATES comedy and wants to destroy it from within.
(ONE) HOLOGRAM TUPAC KILLED DICK CLARK
At Coachella 2012, Tupac was brought back to life via technological insanity. This expensive as hell hologram brought Tupac back to the stage to perform with Snoop and Dre. It was amazing, beautiful, emotional, and really creepy. A few days later music and broadcasting icon Dick Clark passed away. It’s not like he hasn’t been living forever as it is. He was introducing music before humanity evolved to have ears. I have nothing mean to say about the guy. He seemed pleasant enough for a pop music guy. Everyone, including you, thought he’d live forever. Tupac comes back to life and then Dick Clark dies… It can’t be a coincidence.
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