BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) WHAT MEDICAL SCHOOL DID DR. PEPPER GO TO?
Processed sugar in a carbonated liquid form? Yeah… that’s gotta be good for you. We’ve all enjoyed a nice cold pop, but I think a lot of us know to avoid it because it’s like candy water. Still, the idea of branding one of these with the name “Doctor” is a bit weird. It’s like saying it’s “Doctor Approved” or something. What medical school did this “Dr. Pepper” character go to?
(THREE) WHAT IF WE DID FIND LIFE ON MARS?
Really, what would we do? What would we as humans do if we found another life form we could communicate with on Mars or in space in general? There have been science fiction movies for years to cover this stuff, but we’ve never actually made any real contact. There are those who really believe in it and those who don’t. But still… what would we do? People would collectively shit themselves. What would we really offer these life forms?
(TWO) CAN’T WE JUST CANCEL BASEBALL ONCE AND FOR ALL?
I’m sure the major market people still watch and I’m sure they’re still making a trillion zillion dollars. Regardless of that, let’s just cancel baseball. Nothing new is happening. The only thing EVER of note is that someone was caught doing steroids or some other scandal. The best days of baseball are long long behind us. There are no new superstars worth getting behind. Most stadiums look embarrassingly empty more times than not. It’s oversaturated. I can’t think of any mainstream sport or pastime as lame and boring as baseball. The idea of the sport is fine, but there is just nothing at all to care about.
(ONE) SHOULDN’T WE JUST KICK THE PEOPLE WHO “PULL NO PUNCHES”?
People are stupid. One example is when people like to tell folks that they “pull no punches”. By this they mean they’re a “straight shooter” and don’t hold anything back. Why the hell would we assume you would? Are you just being an asshole and putting punctuation on your already-shitty attitude? I don’t think we should punch these people. It sounds exactly like what they want. This is why I think we should all kick them.
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