BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) NEW SOCKS
New socks are cooler than The Hobbit. It doesn’t seem like a lot, but it’s one of those life pleasures that people take for granted. These socks are just a little bit more snuggly, a little bit tighter, a little bit warmer, and a little bit better than everything. Now imagine seeing this movie and it sucking. Wouldn’t warm feet be such much cooler? I thought so too…
(THREE) SLEEPING
Let’s be real. This movie is obviously going to last like five hours. Instead of devoting so much time to this movie why not get some sleep? Sleep is always good. Lay down, close your eyes, and sleep. If you’re lucky you’ll have a dream that this movie does not exist.
(TWO) BAD DANCING
The worst possible dancing you can imagine is cooler than The Hobbit. Bad dancing is always fun. Always! That can’t be said for a movie no one has seen. Even if The Hobbit is the best of the entire Lord of the Ring-related movies it’s still not going to be cooler than bad dancing. Seriously, folks. The running man and cabbage patch own anything involving wizards any day of the week!
(ONE) WILLOW
If I want to watch a fantasy film with a little person as a lead I’m going to go with Willow. None of these Lord of the Ring or Hobbit movies feature Val Kilmer so why am I supposed to care about them? Exactly! We’re not! Why not just go with the classic? There is one movie, not eight sequels and all of that content. Willow would destroy Frodo, Grodo, Dildo, and Bilbo. Straight up!
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