BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) ALL THE INTERNET MEMES!
I do not hate on a witty internet image. If I see a baby fist pumping in accomplishment I’m going enjoy the shit out of it. I’m only human. My problem is the excessive “meme” thing taking over social media. For a while these things were regulated to message boards, chain letters, and the like. Something seems to have happened in the past year or so that has seen these things take a horrible turn. They’re not even witty anymore. It’s a lot of nonsense and totally takes the wind out of the ironic sails.
(THREE) THE LACK OF DREAM CONTROL
You’d think that we’d have discovered a magic pill we can take before bed for this. The idea of going to sleep and not being able to control the scenarios and events in your dreams is rough. I know people pretend they can, but they can’t. When you’re dreaming you’re under control of your inner mind. That can be some scary shit if you’re anything like anyone. What I don’t get is why we just don’t get this taken care of. If we can sleep and then control what goes on then people would be so well rested every day. I’m probably just crazy.
(TWO) MODERN MITTENS
It’s 2013. Why do we need mittens? We have the technology and capabilities to sew in fingers to any glove that is sold. If we can get rid of old school light bulbs in favor of the eco-friendly spiral ones then why can’t we move on from mittens? It’s just a ridiculous thing to exist for anyone older than the age of like two. Give us fingers or give us death! Down with mittens!
(ONE) THE WHITE CRAYON
I get it. We need the unity in the crayon pack. I just never saw a use for the white crayon. It’s pretty much just clear wax that just makes whatever you’re coloring look shiny. If you have dark paper by chance the white crayon STILL doesn’t make a difference. It’s just shiny wax. You’re better off using a charcoal or a paint to showcase a rich white color. Otherwise, it’s just a wasted crayon that only gets used during those one or two years that designing Easter eggs is fun. I just think if we’re paying for 8 colored crayons then we should get 8 colored crayons that we can use.
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