BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) WHO WOULD WIN IN A FIGHT BETWEEN ALF AND GARFIELD?
Why hasn’t anyone thought of this yet? The fun loving sarcastic alien named Alf is famous for wanting to eat cats. Meanwhile we have Garfield, a fun loving sarcastic cat who is famous for hating Mondays. Wouldn’t it be in Alf’s best interest to try to go after the lazy cat? Garfield is a big cat on top of it so it’s a bigger meal for Alf. The thing is that I’m sure Garfield wouldn’t just let himself get eaten by lame ass Alf. They would fight. Garfield would kick Alf’s ass. Alf was kind of lame. Let’s be honest. Garfield would get all doped up on Lasagna and get some outside interference from his trusty friend Odie. Garfield wins, hands down!
(THREE) HOW FREAKY ARE CIRCUS GROUPIES?
Of all groupies out there I would think the circus groupies have to be the freakiest. These are the chicks going after the famous clowns, trapeze artists, and animal trainers. It seems like a weird thing, but you just know there are freaky chicks hanging outside of the tent waiting for scraps. I want to meet THOSE chicks. Specifically so I know who to run away from. Yikes.
(TWO) HOW DID YOU SNIFF OUT A DOUCHE BAG BEFORE AXE BODYSPRAY?
I’m fairly certain the only people wearing Axe body spray are 13 year boys, older men, and douche bags. As I was getting to the age to associate with real life douche bags Axe body spray was taking the scene by storm. The dust cleared and the smell remained. It smells of urinal cake, generic soap, and fart schnapps. If you smell this, hair gel, and imitation leather then you’re in the presence of a douche bag. I don’t get how anyone could sniff them out before then. Was there a different scent? I bet it was sleazier back in the day.
(ONE) WHAT DOES CURTAINS AND DRAPES HAVE TO DO WITH PUBES?
The sleazy question is “do the curtains match the drapes” is in reference to the color of one’s pubic hair. If you’ve lived a normal life then you’ve not only heard this saying, but you’ve made the reference to it at least three times in the past week. It’s just classy and should be part of a regular sleaze-ball diet. The tackiness of talking about pubes isn’t my problem. I just don’t get what drapes and curtains have to do with pubic hair. Is it solely based on something that is colored? That’s lame. A lot of things can be different colors. Why not “does the foliage match the grass?” or “does the tombstone match the coffin”? I mean… it’s all the same thing and makes just as much sense. Basically, folks I’m asking us to all move on and stop tainting the home décor with vulgarity.
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