BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) CHLORINE POOL THREATS
I’m not even sure chlorine is real. I used to hate the threats of chlorine being in people’s pool. If you got in a pool and your eyes burnt it was because you were a bad person that day and it was the water’s way of telling you to chill out. Seriously though, the threat that “if you pee a green ring will go around you” was a cruel cruel threat. It’s not true. You can pee all you want and nothing will happen. NOTHING. I understand the concept of tricking a kid or slow person into not using a public pool of water as their own toilet, but this kind of shenanigans is why we shouldn’t trust anyone.
(THREE) NYQUIL NIAVIETY
Nyquil and generic variations will knock your ass out. If you drink the normal plastic shot glass amount you get a good “buzz” going and then you can go to sleep with ease. You know WHY you can sleep so easily and well? The shit is a drug! If you drink a few good gulps down you’re screwed. Knowing this almost makes it a game, but not knowing is magical. When you’re naive to the magic of Nyquil you think medical science is really miracle science. I’m getting thirsty…
(TWO) WAIST WORN FLANNELS
This was a grunge thing that I actually didn’t get behind. I have no issue with flannels, but there IS a difference between flannels and standard plaid shirts. For a while, people would wear a flannel around their waist. I’m actually more okay with guys doing this. If they want to wear their flannels over their waist because their torso is too hot whatever. Women? No. Women should not be covering up that area. I guess waist wearing is cooler than over the shoulder like a 1980’s prep school villain. Barely.
(ONE) ASK JEEVES
When Al Gore invented the internet he did not intend on destroying us all. One of the early search engines was “AskJeeves.com”. It was stupid search engine with the gimmick that you’re asking a butler for the info. The answers always sucked. There was really nothing of value from this. It wasn’t like it was good enough to help with any homework or settle any bets. It was just shitty responses to I’m sure oddly worded questions and search queries. I’m pretty sure Jeeves and the AOL “You Got Mail” voice got together in 1998 and fucked. The result was iPhone’s “Suri”. You can’t tell me I’m wrong. You just can’t.
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