BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) SANDBOXES, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THOSE?
Maybe it’s because I’m older and I don’t hang out with a lot of kids, but it seems like sand boxes are gone. Our generation was so stupid and poor that our parents made a little box and filled it with sand. It’s not too amazing. It’s a sand box. Kids would sit in the sand, play it in, eat it, hide stuff in it, and just fester in its grossness. It’s like a box of human kitty litter. What happened to these? Is it just one of those unspoken things we all moved on from?
(THREE) WHAT IS THE POLAR OPPOSITE OF A POLAR BEAR?
I just like the wording of this question. We see polar bears in a lot of winter commercials. It’s a white bear that hangs out in the cold frosty climate. The opposite would hang out in the desert, be black, and HATE Christmas. Screw that bear.
(TWO) RESTLESS LEG SYNDROMES OR SLEEP DANCING?
It’s a common thing these days. People have sleep issues. Some people sleep walk, sleep talk, and some people kick and move their legs in their sleep. I wonder if this is real. I wonder if people just don’t have dreams where they’re dancing. In that case, why can’t we call it “sleep dancing”?
(ONE) WHO HIGH FIVES THE TALLEST MAN?
It’s sad to think about this. Giving someone a “high five” is a rite of passage. It can be a little tacky, but it has to be done. If a big moment happens in sports, someone you’re a fan of accomplishes something, you’re passing through a crowd of supportive people, or really for any big reason. If someone offers a high five you high five them back. If you don’t you might as well spit in your eyes. But what about the tallest man? Without assistance, no one can reach their giant-high extended hand. It just hangs there… un-fived.
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