BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) 300: RIDE OF AN EMPIRE
I thought 300 was a good movie. I saw it once in theatres on the IMAX screen so my one and only impression was a massive one. It wasn’t a movie I wanted to see on DVD or on cable afterwards. Outside of the stunning visuals and great cinematography it was a story that you see once and that’s all you need. There was never a reason to rewatch this. Now there’s a sequel? What more do we need to see from this world? Didn’t a lot of, if not all of those 300 Spartans die in the original? How can we call this 300? Or how about we go the 101 Dalmations route and call this “301: Spartans Don’t Die!” If it were called THAT, I’d be all for it. Then again, not really.
(THREE) RED 2
RED was one of the worst movies I saw in 2010 and I think I watched at least 100 movies that year. Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Mary-Louise Parker, Helen Mirren, and others all have fun sharing in witty banter as things explode around them. The trailer showcases exactly the same thing for the sequel. Willis and Malkovich have creepy old man banter while shopping. Things exploding ensues. I like everyone in this movie. Mary-Louise Parker and Helen Mirren are as beautiful as they are talented. And really, how could you not enjoy the work of John Malkovich? The answer is watching RED. It’s doubtful that RED 2 will pull a Godfather II. John Malkovich, you’re too awesome for this.
(TWO) THE SMURFS 2
WHY!?! The first movie was bad. I’ll watch kid movies every so often if they interest me. I grew up on The Smurfs so I had to check this out. I gave it a few minutes and couldn’t go any longer. I know it’s for kids, but can’t kids have better stuff to watch? Everyone involved with these movies are cool and could be doing something better. It’s just a weird movie with a weird cast. The animation doesn’t feel right for some reason. Some things just don’t click. This is one of those things for me. I don’t know how the first one was successful enough for it to merit a sequel. To make it even worse, a THIRD part is already on its way.
(ONE) GROWN UPS 2
Grown Ups was not a movie for me. It was a little too family orientated and had a lot of “aw shucks” moments. The things I remembered most from the movie was that Chris Rock was barely around despite being a main character, Kevin James is not Chris Farley despite being pretty cool on his own regard, and the whole “I want to get chocolate wasted!” line. I’ll still quote that line in the most snarky asshole way I can. I know not every movie has to be an R-rated vulgar comedy, but a little edge and a little substance would have gone a long way in that first movie. And now there’s a second one? This one is about the last day of school and gives us cameos from Andy Samberg, Milo Ventimiglia, and Steve Austin. This movie is such a bad idea that Rob Schneider isn’t even coming back for it. Rob Schnieder is turning down work. The sky is falling.
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