BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) IF WE WANT TO GET RID OF PIRATES, STOP MAKING BOATS!
Serious business folks. What do we need boats for these days? We have big monstrous airplanes that can travel at much faster speeds. Anything a boat can carry, we can put on a plane or a even a jumbo jet and get it there in a fraction of the time. Smaller leisure boats are okay in my book, but if we want to make pirates extinct then we gotta stop making boats. No boats… no pirates. It’s not a theory, it’s fucking math!
(THREE) SWEATER PANTS! WHERE ARE THEY?!
Sweaters are nice. The wooly knitted sweater can be a joke item like for a “Bad Sweater Party” or to be ironically cool. They’re also a sign of fashion. A nice sweater is a nice sweater. I know they have “sweat pants”, but they are like “sweat shirts”. I’m talking sweaters. Where the hell are the sweater pants? I’d sleep in those for sure.
(TWO) LAS VEGAS NEWSPAPERS
For years I’ve heard the say “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”. It’s been in songs, movies, TV shows, cartoons, jokes, and anywhere and everywhere. I guess this goes for the televised news too. The annoying phrase of “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” is just one of those common phrases that everyone apparently knows and apparently just accepts. So do the Vegas newspapers self-destruct if you leave the city limits? Does the ink disappear when it’s out of the breathing range of Vegas’s gluttonous air? Do people in Vegas even read? Do they need to?
(ONE) THE CREATION OF PEPPER SPRAY
This is a weird thing to think about. Pepper obviously burns and does the trick to get assholes away in dire times, but how did anyone “create” pepper spray? What was that experiment like? Did people still get attacked and raped with salt and pepper spray? Was “paprika mist” to cunty?
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