BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) ESCAPE PLAN
This movie stars both Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Twenty or so years ago, that sentence would result in minds being blown. Now it results in an eye roll and a sigh. I like both guys and want to see them perform. I’d just like to see them perform more “age appropriate” movies. Why is this movie being made? It’s sad seeing old action stars and old movie heroes embarrass themselves as old men. At least in movies like “Tin Men”, the older actors would go with their age and make it part of the story. Here they address “age” and move on to the action crap. I don’t care what these character’s motives are. I don’t care if they escape jail. It’s not just their age. That’s a weird part of it, but we’re all just worn out by these movies. How many paint by number action movies have these guys made million off of? The times have changed, you’d think they would too.
(THREE) METALLICA: THROUGH THE NEVER
The last time Metallica put out a “film” it was their documentary. In this documentary they displayed that they are metal head divas, they cry a lot, and they have a lot of issues. It was seeing a little far behind the curtain. As soon as I heard they were putting something new out, I got nervous. I’m already past caring about Metallica, but that doesn’t mean I want to see them make their legacy even more of a faded glory. This is a “concept concert film”. They use their live footage intertwined with a “surreal adventure” where a dude is on a crazy action packed “mission”. It looks “trippy” and “cool” and it’s obviously made for IMAX and 3D. I could see being stoned and big Metallica fan and going to see the IMAX 3D experience if you have nothing else to do. But who in their right mind would want to watch this on any other platform? Yikes.
(TWO) PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 5
Why!? They have made four too many of these shitty movies already. The first one was interesting purely based on the marketing. They didn’t show the movie, they showed the paid audience “freak out” over the footage. Then “word of mouth” caught on and lots of stupid people went and wasted money on this shit. Those people didn’t want to admit to being stupid so they kept paying for the next installment and then the next installment and then the next one. You people are STUPID. Stop supporting this crap. These movies are draining any tiny drip of potential out of the already lame “found footage” concept. I’d have no problem if these were straight to DVD movies or on the Sy-Fi Network. But it’s put out there and the stupid people who go see it then pretend we care what they have to say. Like it? Don’t like it? Thought part 3 was better? NO ONE CARES. You paid to see Paranormal Activity 5, you’re opinion no longer matters.
(ONE) A MADEA CHRISTMAS
On Friday the 13th, December 13th 2013 the world will end. They Mayans said shit about December 2012 and everyone got freaked out for like a minute. But I think this movie is the sign of the end of times. Madea is already an insult to anyone with a soul. It’s like “Ernest” for black people. It’s not even that I don’t like Tyler Perry. I have no issues with the guy and he seems to be really motivated to put out quality productions. This sassy “Mrs. Doubtfire” act is crap. It aims for the lowest quality of people and they eat it up. The same exact thing can be said for Larry the Cable Guy. He is a product made specifically to pander to dumb people. Both are successful at what they do and what they do is take the money of dumb people. I don’t care what stupid plot this movie has. It’s Madea and its Christmas. That’s your freaking plot. For the past few years I’ve LITERALLY made the joke to people that I wanted to make a buddy cop comedy with Larry The Cable Guy and Tyler Perry and then soak up the dumb money. My mind is blown and my stomach turns that this shit is real. This movie is going to have great use when it’s used as torture for people with IQ’s over 17.
|
