BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) DO NINJAS FART?
I’m pretty sure the first day of ninja training is how NOT to fart. A great ninja can be anywhere and hide anywhere. They can control their breathing and lurk in any shadow. But what happens when they have a little bit of gas? Do they save it and build up the pressure? Is THAT why they’re so fast? They’re powered by their stored up farts? I know this is a bit of a tacky topic, but this is important information. I won’t feel safe until I know for sure.
(THREE) SHOULDN’T TOILET PAPER HAVE TOILETS ON IT?
I’m not asking for much here. How about a little consistency? Newspaper has news on it. Shouldn’t toilet paper have toilets on it? Nothing too fancy, just a simple emblem to get the point over. This MIGHT even cut down on people T.P.ing people’s houses. Imagine the kid that’s getting ready to throw a big ol roll of two ply. He looks down and sees the toilet on the paper and realizes that he’s really misusing this product. Problem solved?
(TWO) WHERE IS “TIGHT LEAF PAPER”?
For years we just accepted the fact that the paper we write on in school was called “loose leaf paper”. It just became part of our vernacular. The thing here is that no one questions anything. When did ANYONE… EVER… use “tight leaf paper”? It doesn’t exist! Why? Because it’s wood! Is this is a blatant marketing ploy?
(ONE) ARE PSYCH MEDS KILLING THE BLUES GENRE?
I’ve been thinking about this one for a while now. It seems that everyone is going to therapy to get their shit together and a lot of those people then get medicated to level out whatever they need leveling. The thing that I wonder is that if everyone is cool and calm, numb almost, then how can anyone ever properly emote? Back in the day if you were down and out, depressed, and at the edge of the worst you’d have to get over it and somehow channel that energy into something else. Blues musicians channeled that into their music. Imagine if Muddy Waters was given some Prozac and mood stabilizers. I fear we’re killing off TONS of good music one little pill at a time.
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