BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) TRIBAL TATTOOS
People in tribes don’t have tattoos like the douche bags from the late 90’s/early 00’s. Despite these shmucks thinking they are “cool” for having some kind of abstract design with lines and squiggles, they are not “tribal”. It just looks like stenciled artwork and that’s it. It looks interesting because it’s ink on skin and people are naturally curious people. But does it look “good”? No. No it does not.
(THREE) PROMISE/CHASTITY RINGS
Stupid Jonas brothers. For a while there teenagers who couldn’t get laid or were afraid of sex wore “promise rings”. The whole idea is they are promising not to have sex. Why does this need a symbolic gesture? How many creepy stories were there of girls wearing rings their father gave them? Yuck! I’m sure no father wants their daughters out there having sex at a young age, but the ring thing is pushing it. It’s like a moral chastity belt, except teenage boys aren’t trying to score with a girl’s finger… or are they? I’m so out of touch.
(TWO) CHOKER NECKLACES
I am a big fan of a female neck. Not in a super creepy way or anything, but it’s an area I do notice. Yeah, that DOES sound creepy but I swear it’s not pervy. It’s just there. I think women know they have necks so this isn’t too crazy. For a while there women would wear plastic, cloth, or even leather choker necklaces. Sometimes there is a charm to make it look like a dog’s collar and sometimes it’s just some kind of gaudy twisty design. It just looks silly. It makes me think of that old story about the women who removed a piece of lace from her neck only for her HEAD TO FALL OFF! I’m pretty sure it was because of something to do with the blood flow and like amputation.
(ONE) AIM CHAT BOTS!
If you were old enough to use AIM you are old enough to know that AIM had a dark side. Of course it was the text messaging before texting became a thing. Many great moments in my teens and early 20’s involved AIM conversations with friends. It was a simpler time, but I can look back on it fondly. The darkside was the spam. Lots of spam. The strangest form of spam was “chat bots”. These things were programs that pretended to be people. The program would IM people and talk to them and ask them stupid shit. You’d reply and they’d reply back with something that made no sense because they were obviously programmed retarded. I don’t like using that word, but we’re talking about a computer person so it’s okay! Right?! (Right!)
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