BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR)EARLY MORNING SHOPPERS ARE MORE LIKELY TO DIE YOUNGER.
The early bird gets the worm, right? Well, I’m not dietician or scientist but eating a lot of worms can’t be all that good for you. The theory here is that if you get up early, you’ll go down early. It’s simple math if you think about it. These people get up early, fight through the crowds and get their deals. That takes a lot out of you. I’m pretty sure the well-rested people who sleep like a normal human will live longer. It’s full price for a full life!
(THREE) THE TERM “TGIBF” IS ACTUALLY POLICE CODE FOR KICKING SNAILS
“Thank God It’s Friday” is a popular term. Growing up in the 80s and 90’s I got to enjoy the weekly “TGIF” line-up then as I got older I got to enjoy the not-that-healthy-not-horrible food of TGIFridays. What I’m getting at is that it’s a popular term. But Black Friday? No way! You better watch who you say TGIBF to because the police will lock you up. For years snails have been victims of being kicked, the police code for this heinous act is actually “TGIBF”. For realizes!
(TWO) THERE ARE NO TAXES ON BLACK FRIDAY!
Yep! There are no taxes on Black Friday. Don’t let the stores fool you! They just don’t want you to know so they can pocket the extra cut. You THINK you’re getting a deal, but not when you factor in the idea that the government is giving these businesses the tax cut that they DO NOT pass on to us. It’s not fair, but it’s a reality. Next time you buy someone on Black Friday tell the cashier you’re exercising your Black Friday tax exemption. She’ll know what to do.
(ONE) IN 5 YEARS IT WILL BE AFRICAN AMERICAN FRIDAY!
This bothers me. Why is it “black Friday”? Aren’t we as a group of people past this? We have come so far as a culture and we’re STILL discriminating against certain races? Why call it “Black Friday”? That’s something my grandmother would say. This needs to be rectified. I believe the proper term is “African American Friday.” At least this is how a civilized, non-bigot, non-Republican scum would say it. Fight the power!
|
