BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) BLACK CATS
Some cats are grey, some are white, and some are orange. It’s like how humans have different shades of people. It’s just part of life. I don’t get why a black cat is “bad luck”. Sure they look creepier, but it’s because they’re more mysterious and can hide in the shadows. Their little evil eyes are pretty damn daunting. So yeah… they’re creepy, but that’s not “bad luck”. If a black cat crosses your path then go cross theirs. If they are bad luck maybe you crossing THEIR path would make THEM lucky… right?! See how ridiculous that sounds? Yeah, I don’t even like cats…but end the racism!
(THREE) BROKEN MIRROR
A broken mirror sucks because it’s a broken mirror, not because of any strange luck tied to it. It’s a piece of reflective glass. Any glass breaking is bad so a mirror, something of value and use, is much more of a drag to break. Breaking one sucks, but the only bad luck you have is being forced to live without it or replace it. There is no extra “seven years of bad luck” to tie-in to it. It just happens and you move on. It’s a just a freakin’ mirror!
(TWO) WALKING UNDER A LADDER
Why would anyone go out of their way to walk around a ladder when there is a perfectly fine place to walk through? This makes no sense. Ladders are supposed to be for convenient climbing and to reach elevated heights. What is so convenient in having to walk around them? I have no problem in taking an extra step or two, but not for just any reason. This seems dumb. Who decided this was a superstition? Superstitions are normally old timey folklore, but did ladders really exist THAT long ago? This just seems a little iffy. I’m pretty sure this is a conspiracy.
(ONE) PLAYOFF BEARDS
Hockey is stupid as it is. The players look like unemployed Canadian roofers. They wear long sleeved football jerseys and think because they’re fighting on ice they are “bad ass”. It’s figure skating and soccer combined, but hidden under the guise of “sport”. Then once one of these teams makes the playoffs it’s a “tradition” to not shave. So basically, if you play hockey or am an obsessed fan you let an ugly weird beard grow in. I don’t hate beards in general, but the people who are hockey fans are the people who typically grow shitty beards. Go figure.
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