BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) THE LEGO MOVIE
I played with Legos like everyone. I have a place in my heart for them like everyone else. But do we REALLY need a movie? Wasn’t the “Fell In Love With a Girl” video by the White Stripes good enough? My problem is that we don’t need a Legos movie. The fun of Legos is the escapism it allows the little builder to create for themselves. This is basically planting a “how to play with LEGOS” idea in little kids heads. They’ll see the movie and then, if it’s successful and it will be, they’ll just emulate the movie. The cast is killer too. That’s another thing that hurts. Voices of Chris Pratt, Will Arnett, Elizabeth Banks, Morgan Freeman, Liam Neeson, Will Ferrell, Nick Offerman, Jonah Hill, Cobie Smulders, Channing Tatus, Alison Brie, and Charlie Day. If that cast was involved with anything else I’d be in line already. Stealing the imagination rights of a child? No thanks!
(THREE) SABOTAGE
Arnold Schwarzenegger should stop making movies. For real. After years of him being in politics, people wanted him to come out of retirement and get back on the screen. Now that he’s a million years old it’s not fun anymore. Are we supposed to sit there and pretend this old genetic freak is any kind of authority figure? Movies like this should be given to younger action stars. The cast is made up of plenty of awesome folks that would have served as a better lead. Joe Manganiello, Sam Worthington, Josh Holloway, and then Terrence “I was in Iron Man, I swear!” Howard, the awesome Mireille Enos, and Olivia Williams are in this. The cast is very good, but I just can’t take Arnold seriously anymore. I’ve not even seen this movie and I’m already tired of it.
(TWO) VAMPIRE ACADEMY: BLOOD SISTERS
This movie should not be made, but I get it. The Twilight girls are growing up and feeling weird. They’re rebellious and they’re sassy now. After Kristen and Robert broke up, they know they don’t need no man to make them happy…. Or something. The cast is made up almost completely of people I don’t know. It’s a lot of pretty faces looking mad. If you want to see an occult movie of sexy not-really teenage girls doing occult shit then go back and watch The Craft. This is just crap. Sadly, this is also crap that’ll rake in the dumb girl dough. We need to put laws in place to make sure movies like this don’t happen again.
(ONE) PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 5
Why!? They have made four too many of these shitty movies already. The first one was interesting purely based on the marketing. They didn’t show the movie, they showed the paid audience “freak out” over the footage. Then “word of mouth” caught on and lots of stupid people went and wasted money on this shit. Those people didn’t want to admit to being stupid so they kept paying for the next installment and then the next installment and then the next one. You people are STUPID. Stop supporting this crap. These movies are draining any tiny drip of potential out of the already lame “found footage” concept. I’d have no problem if these were straight to DVD movies or on the Sy-Fi Network. But it’s put out there and the stupid people who go see it then pretend we care what they have to say. Like it? Don’t like it? Thought part 3 was better? NO ONE CARES. You paid to see Paranormal Activity 5, you’re opinion no longer matters.
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