BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) WIND-UP CHATTER TEETH
These things were amusing once in like 1964, but since then they’ve been nothing but lame. You wind up a cheap looking teeth and gums. Then you let you and the cheap motor inside makes the mouth open and close in a chattering effect and then there’s the little legs. For some reason this little plastic chewer also has LEGS! It slowly stammers forward as the mouth chomps at you. This was just stupid. There are much cooler toys and “gags” than this lame one.
(THREE) JUDE LAW
I don’t dislike Jude Law. I just don’t have enough of an opinion of him. It seemed that for a while there people were all up on the Jude Law band wagon. He was like the Ryan Gossling of the 90s, which sucks for Gossling come next new “he’s so handsome that it makes him a better actor!” guy to come around. I know there are big roles from Law’s past, but nothing comes to mind as ANYTHING that ever made me want to exchange money for entertainment. I know he makes movies still, but somehow I’ve avoided them. I’m not mad.
(TWO) SLAM DANCING
It was like twerking without the sexual undertones. It was basically jump stomping around. I guess it’s like tap dancing with combat boots on. Lots of outlandish movements that had no real rhythm or style. BUT since it was brought to light as an “new urban craze”, we all just accepted it. Screw that noise. At least twerking is funny.
(ONE) HOME IMPROVEMENT
Have you tried watching this show on reruns? Don’t! It’s really bad. It’s like whitesploitation bad. It’s about a well off family where the father is a bumbling idiot who somehow has his own television show. The kids are douche bags, all three of them. The mom, in all her milf glory, gets stuck playing the “you better not do THAT” ho-hum type of role to set up Tim Allen’s “antics” and “hijinks”. Other older shows like a Cosby, Roseanne, or even Friends broke some ground and pushed television forward. This show set it back.
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