BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) VERNE TROYER
You have to feel for him. Unlike everyone else on the list he didn’t release this himself or later try to profit from his leaked sex tape. In June of 08 a private sex tape was unleashed to the world that featured Verne “Mini Me” Troyer having sex with his former girlfriend Ranae Shrider. The tape was, of course, released by Shrider once they were broken up. Verne laid down the law and got the tape taken off the market once he sued TMZ, the company trying to sell the DVD, the broker of the deal, and just about anyone and everyone who had their finger prints on the situation. I’m pretty sure this tape, or at least clips, are out there somewhere. I’ve never had the curiosity to look for it myself. It’s all kinds of messed up to invade someone’s trust like that. Oddly enough, this isn’t even the most awkward Verne Troyer moment I can think of. On the VH1 reality show “Surreal Life” he got so drunk that he got naked, rode his electronic wheel chair, and pissed out in the open in a room. Once the other celebrity roommates got him to bed he shrieked “Okaaaay, Okaaay, Okaaaay” over and over again. THAT was creepy and “train wreck” television I couldn’t turn away from. The sex tape, no thanks.
(THREE) PARIS HILTON
While considered more of a sex symbol than any other celebrity on this list, her sex tape was craptastic. She just laid there doing nothing being the same bored with her surroundings Hilton you see in a normal TMZ tabloid piece. At one point I think she even checks her phone during intercourse. This one was parodied a lot and you can assure yourself that at one point you’ve seen something on TV or film that has mocked this sex tape. The whole night vision thing was in a music video or two and I’m sure there are other elements being mocked as well. When this came out, Paris was kind of fresh to the pop culture scene but it almost seems like she peaked right before the sex tape. I don’t want to get overly sick, but is it possible her popularity went down because of her performance and not because of the actual sex tape itself? Hmmm. None the less, even as boring as she is in it, she still gets cold hard profits from the sales of it. So just know that you’re NOT invading her privacy and she’s letting you watch her get violated for money. And she’s NOT a porn star…. What does that make her?
(TWO) DUSTIN DIAMOND
Growing up during the 90’s it was easy to fall in love with the NBC Saturday Morning show “Saved By The Bell”. The show will go down as a 90’s pop icon staple. We all love us some Kelly, Lisa, Jessie, Zack, Slater, Screech, Mr. Belding, Max, Moose, Miss Bliss, Milo, and maybe even Tori too. When we all got a little older and starting having “weird” thoughts, I don’t think anyone ever thought about Screech doing porn. Everyone else moved on in the careers. Kelly had Melrose, Zack had shows, Slater became a bootleg Seacrest, Lisa was in “How High”, and Jessie Spano went on to be in the iconic cinematic masterpiece “Showgirls”. Screech really didn’t do anything. Dustin Diamond got really despirate to gain some fame in 2006 when he released a 40 minute sex tape. The idea was to make some money and boost his career, but it did not work as he would have some shirt selling thing to pay his taxes or mortage or something else. This sex tape is creatively titled “SCREECHED” and from the looks of the cover it looks as bad as it sounds. It reads “starring Dustin ‘Dirty Sanchez’ Diamond” and the words “TV star gone wild.” There is a really creepy picture of him on the cover that kind of resembles Daniel Stern on a bender. Zoiks!
(ONE) JOANIE “CHYNA” LAURER
I was a fan of her work in the WWF/WWE. She played a strong female character, had silent charisma, and looked the most believable of any female wrestler in there against guys that I can think of. During her rise of fame she was actually in Playboy, which in retrospect is just kind of weird. I remember people saying crazy stuff about the pictures, but I never went out of my way to look. She would break up with Triple H and then her career and life seemed to go completely crazy. With her drugs, booze, and partying she was basically a tabloid-whore. It was never a “that’s so cool that’s she’s being drunk on camera” or even interesting, it was sad and normally resulting in a “what the eff” type of moment. She would eventually go on to release “1 Night in China”. It’s a sex tape with X-Pac aka 1-2-3 Kid! They shot it themselves and sold it in order to make some money and gain some attention. I don’t think they made enough money to make it worth creeping out so many people that watched it. I don’t want to get too deep into this (that’s what she said), but there’s some things in this that I wish I could erase from everyone’s mind. I won’t even TRY to describe it. It’s like if you discovered Big Foot, but Big Foot was having sex with your grandmother. You want to tell people, but you can’t and would just rather not talk about it or mention it ever again. Just pretend it never happened and run!
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