BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) LINDSAY LOHAN JAILED
About ten days ago Lindsay Lohan went into jail and in less time than that she’ll likely be released and doing things you don’t even have the energy to think of doing. The hoopla and drama about her stay has been everywhere. It’s gotten pretty lame and is the same type of nonsense we hear when most divas (male and female) go to jail. I tried to be positive about it by trying to think of “what waits 4 lindsay lohan”. I went through a few options, but one I didn’t even think about until a few days ago was starring in a sure HIT remake of The Craft. To think she’s not even the Top Celeb In Jail Right Now or the Most Talented.
(THREE) MEL GIBSON
Mel Gibson is a douche bag. A can of racist worms was open this month. His ex lady friend came out with some private tapes of him screaming at her, calling her names, using more racial slurs, and just being the exact opposite of the guy who’d give us “Passion of The Christ”. You’d think he’d know that being belittled and screamed at is NOT “What Women Want” or his other worst movies. There are reports and gossip that the tapes were edited and that she’s trying to blackmail or extort him. Who knows if that’s true or not, but that’s just a scapegoat people are eager to bring up to ignore the fact that he said the racist crap. You’d ALMOST want to give him a free pass for “Braveheart”, but this is the SECOND time he’s publically expressed his bigotry. Right now, I don’t see him having a comeback. There are few jobs out there for someone is just about universally hated. Well, maybe he could be one of the ”Actors That Should Wrestle”. Mel Gibson, as the super evil bad guy versus Triple H with Danny Glover in his corner would make me want to shell out $60 to my local cable provider.
(TWO) LEBRON JAMES
LeBron James revealed himself as having the biggest ego in sports history; an ego that has never proven himself or won a championship… but an ego none the less. He, Chris Bosh, and Dwyane Wade will be together in Miami and will learn quickly that only one ball per court is still NBA regulation. In a meant-to-be-sarcastic edition of “Daily Fournication”, we went over the ”Players LeBron James Couldn’t Win With”. A lot of readers obviously didn’t get the joke. Keith Evans wrote a pretty strong worded edition of “Evans From The Heavens” titled ”Decisions, Decisions : The King Escapes Hell”. The logistics of going to Miami does make a lot of sense, but his loyalty issues and lack of manhood is ”Why The King Won’t Touch Air”. Michael Jordan himself said that Kobe is better than “The King” and in one of my favorite sport quotes in recent history basically said ‘In my day basketball still had balls and I made my own success instead of joined in on someone elses’. His wording was much cooler though. Along with this, the crazy amount of free agent and moving around in the NBA I think the hype is strong all around. We can all collectively hate LeBron James, but like it or not, we’re talking about him and come fall when the season starts I can’t wait to see how exciting it’ll be. It’s crazy that it’s July and a basketball story is the top story in sports. It just proves that Major League Baseball is officially boring. There are a few bright spots here and there, but like I forgot who said “why do we need 164 games just to know the Yankees bought the best team”? Hell, the All Star game came and went without a blink. It all makes sense when you realize ”Why The MLB All Star Game Sucks”. In other sports related news, UFC is Probably Fake.
(ONE) BUSTIN’ OIL CAPS
I’m sure expansion is in our future, but right now this is mainly an entertainment website and there is nothing entertaining about the oil leak in the Atlantic. Because of that it’s not been something we’d report on here. The ocean is ruined and it’s NEVER going to be the same. It’s not like a boat or tanker broke open and spilled a few hundred gallons into the water. This was BP sleeping on a very dangerous job. The damage and cost both ecologically and financially is obscene and now a global crisis. BP can and will blame anyone and everyone they can, but it was their responsibility to control this kind of thing. Many are quick to blame the government, but what the hell were THEY supposed to do? The government is not in the business of oil… well… it’s not in the business of oil clean up. It’s again, people looking for something to pin Obama. That’s old and tiresome now. The point is that they FINALLY seemed to of gotten this thing capped to prevent any further damage. It sucks to know this all happened in April, on FOUR TWENTY to be exact, and just NOW got fixed. We’re going to need some alternative energy STAT. BP reported that they were losing 1,000 barrels, which is 42,000 gallons a day. I said FOURTY TWO THOUSAND GALLONS A DAY. Let’s put this in perspective. If there were a road to the moon and your car got say at least 20 miles to the gallon. You could DRIVE TO THE MOON AND BACK OVER 140 TIMES. I know that’s crazy talk and literally impossible, but you’d think the Atlantic Ocean being used as BP’s oil toilet would be impossible too. Then again, there’s a good chance that LeBron James is the reason the oil was gushing to begin with. You see, two days later on April 22nd, LeBron and the Cavs would LOSE to the Bulls in Game 3 of the First Round of the Playoffs. Of course, it comes down the fact that EVERYTHING is officially about LeBron James… even the BP Oil Crisis. That depressed Lindsay Lohan into drinking and driving, which apparently she had to of done in time machine… and all of this really pissed off Mel Gibson. July of 2010… Go away!
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