BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) HORRIBLE TRADE OFFERS
Last year was the first year I got the fantasy football stank off me. After participating for about five years it was time to hang it up. I figure if OJ can get in five seasons and retire a Hall of Famer than why can’t I? In my time I won a championship and placed twice, respectively. So basically, I rocked it. But none the less, the “league fees” increased to a steep $60 and sadly that was just too much. For $60 I could buy a lot of blank tapes to shoot new projects. Any who, that’s my back story in “the league”. One thing about fantasy football I won’t miss, among many, is the annoyingly bad trade offers. Yes, dude… you can totally have my starting QB and starting TE for your back up DEF and last round Kicker. I’m totally down with THAT one. Then again… that other guy sent me an offer for my starting QB, starting TE, and my league leading running back for Trent Dilfer. Totally! This kind of nonsense is lame. Between bored friends it’s funny maybe once every other season, but anything else is an insult to ones intelligence.
(THREE) LAME TEAM NAMES
One fun part of the whole thing is coming up with a name for your team. This is one of your only chances to be creative. After this you’re going to have to focus on stats and bowel movement rumors in order to have an upper hand. There are a few fields of thought here. Boring people will call themselves something like “The Allstars” or “Champs” or “Sharks”. Something bland, predicable, and reminiscent of a A-league minor league baseball team. There are those who go “random”. I’ve heard of a team simply being called “Cheese”. The macho types call their teams “Asskickers” or “Smashers”. Then there are the smart ass wanna be ironic types who go with “Monsters of the Fairway” or some other play on words. Me, I went with “HueyLewis&TheNews”. NOTHING lame about that.
(TWO) SOMEONE WILL ALWAYS COMPLAIN
The sadder of the league will take things too seriously. There’s always “that guy” who complains about a trade, the point system, or because of some other form of inane butt-hurt. These sacks of pending suicide have nothing better to do and you just have to deal with it. If you snap back at them you’re giving in to their need for attention and drama. The best bet is to ignore them and mock them with good hearted humor. If that fails, have sex with their wife. Give them something to complain about.
(ONE) IT’S A LONG SEASON
You learn this the hard way. The first few games, even up to week 8 or 9, are all excitement. You’re into the stats, you watch pregames, read the details, and follow hard. Then slowly and surely it goes from being exciting to becoming kind of tedious. Not like “change-a-tire” tedious, but more like “this popcorn is just a little too salty” tedious. I mean it’s still fun, win or lose, but it’s how you play the game. That’s the thing that people forget, it’s a game. Hell, it’s a game based on a game. Take it slow, have fun, and take advantage of this chance to roleplay as an adult. When it comes down to it, that’s what fantasy football is. It’s strategic roleplaying. Nothing any different than DnD. Instead of the random luck of the dice, it’s the random luck of how an athlete will perform on any given game. Sure, there’s some “skill” involved, but c’mon, you’re still a nerd.
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