BY MICHAEL GOODPASTER
(FOUR) KID SHOW
The PG rating f*cking sucks. The WWE product has become a kid’s show. I know, I know, “professional wrestling IS for kids” but apparently kids are p*ssies now. I understand the company wanting to keep their product as accessible as possible, but this act is isolating a lot of people. Not every promo needs a curse word in it, but I’d like the comfort in knowing it COULD happen. Professional wrestling did so much to get away from the flat black and whiteness of “good guy vs. bad guy” and now it’s right back to that. Some shades of grey, some edge, some grit, and some style would make a world of difference. I’m not saying I want old ECW or even Attitude Era stuff going on, but it’d be nice to watch something that’s not a live action cartoon.
(THREE) WATERED DOWN VIOLENCE
I don’t want anyone to ever get really hurt. Professional wrestling is “choreographed”, but the hurt is real and lingers for years. Knees, backs, and necks will be screwed up forever for most pro wrestlers. It’s just part of the package and sacrifice made for the lifestyle and experience. The more you wrestle the more likely you’re going to be banged up. I appreciate and respect the hell out of WWE for taking some measures to ensure a safer environment, but it’s a bit too much. The chairshot thing makes sense. While there is “safer”(let me stress “NOT SAFE”, but “safer”) spots on the head to get hit, but it’s not worth it. I’m still bothered by the banning of chairshots in general. Hands can go up, people can be protected, and it CAN be done right. Like the curse words in promos, I don’t think every match needs a chair shot. Hell, not every 3 or 4 month block of programming needs a chair shot, but on occasion I’d like to see it. Done right, of course. Same thing with blood. I know people aren’t “blading” anymore, but when a wrestler gets cut open on accident/for real I don’t want to see a match basically get paused so they can be patched up. I wanted to throw something at my TV or at least request a refund when watching the Christian/Benjamin Ladder Match. They paused A LADDER MATCH! These wrestlers are, or at least should be tested on the regular so blood should not stop a match. Patching up a wrestler is so intrusive to the momentum of the match that it pretty much ruins it.
(TWO) SUPER CENA
I just don’t like John Cena. I can see the appeal for the woman, kids, and loose in the head but I’d prefer my wrestlers to… you know… wrestle. He can be carried into some good matches and he’s been trained by the powers that be to go out there and put on huge dramatic performances, but the way he’s pushed is retard-diculous. He’s presented as some sort of “superman” who ALWAYS, not most of the time, but ALWAYS overcomes the odds. I know this is history repeating itself as it was the same for Hogan and Austin, but I wasn’t in my 20s when their reigns were going on. Cena is very similar to Hogan because when I am forced to watch old Hogan matches it’s the same exact thing. Minimal action, tons of drama, and the super man wins. Austin wasn’t much of a technical wrestler by the time he was deemed “Stone Cold”, but his intensity and brawling fit his character. Austin had the cool finisher of the “Stone Cold Stunner”, while Hogan had the lame leg drop and Cena has his lazy variation of the Samoan Drop. I just can’t get into Cena. His overly pushy patriotism comes off painfully fake. His attire is reminiscent of a husky fourth grader. He’s like if Bobby Hill got on the juice. I obviously don’t want to cheer Cena on, but the sad part is that I don’t want to boo him. I just flat out want to ignore him, which WWE has made perfectly clear, is not allowed.
(ONE) HBK RETIRED
Everything I’ve just listed has been going on for a few years now, but there’s a difference. The difference is that Shawn Michaels was still on my television week after week. Before Shawn Michaels came into his own I was a wrestling fan. Pretty much from when his career launched from the Wrestlemania 10 Ladder Match and on… I’ve been a fanatic. Maybe it’s just me. When he was out for those few years with back issues I lost interest as well. For me, he’s always been the best and I truly believe he is the best professional wrestler of all time. His natural charisma, innovations, constant ability, Shakespearian-like promos, and overall being have carried wrestling. There are people on the WWE roster right now that I’d call myself a fan of, but none of them make professional wrestling “must see TV” like Shawn Michaels has done. There is a reason he’s called “The showstopper, the icon, and the main event”.
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