BY KEITH EVANS
***The following blog contains statements that are not the view of Digital Lizard Productions or even Keith Evans himself, yet a string of factual sentences about a gender of humans as a whole. As always, there are exceptions to every rule, and seeing as none of these are rules, but simple factual statements strung together by punctuation and paragraphic indentation, exceptions need not apply. Vaginal discretion and a sense of humor, mixed with self realization and unemotional logic, is advised.***
Women are a strange and interesting bunch of human beings. They're definitely the most gorgeous of all human beings. Often times the most organized. Obviously the most nurturing and caring, but still, strange and interesting as fuck.
They have so many rules and morals for themselves to follow, or not follow, depending on the day. A woman can feel like she's fat when she's totally not. Then she actually becomes fat, and you tell her, and you're disrespectful. But you better be honest. But not too honest.
Her friend is a whore because she's single, went to a bar, met a guy, and fucked him. SHE goes to a bar, meets and fucks a guy, and she's just expressing herself sexually. A woman will damn near brag and have pride in not knowing the most simple things, like say, which way is north, south, east or west. This is the same woman who reads Huffington Post every fucking day. More times than not, she's horrible at math... unless it has to do with calories, in which case you'd think she went to Harvard.
She kicks you in your sleep when you snore, consistently every night, then once you're awake, she turns over and goes back to sleep..., and snores. As a young teenage girl, she talks about all the filthy, uninhibited, raunchy things she'd do to James Franco, mostly to her friends and sometimes to her 21 year old boyfriend, yet finds it horribly disgusting that James Franco made sexual advances towards a 17 year old girl.
She religiously watches Cheslea Lately, not because she's funny, but because she's a woman, then foolishly bitches that Chelsea Handler should have gotten David Letterman's job. Not because she's actually funny but becauae she's a woman. She's a feminist who despises opening doors for herself. She's a Hillary Clinton supporter who never watches the news. She finds it ridiculous that anyone could think a woman couldn't make the difficult, logical, society altering decisions as president just like a man. She also can't decide what she wants for lunch.
She loathes being called a bitch or a slut, unless it's during sex, or with her drunk girlfriends. She hates wearing a bra but finds it distasteful when she can see another woman's nipples through their top. She calls shirts tops.
She is woman, independent and fully capable of doing anything a man can do... except for when she needs you to carry something heavy for her.
She is woman, independent and fully capable of doing anything a man can do... except for open a jar of pickles.
|
