BY KEITH EVANS
So, how do I go about this?
First off, let me just say, it’s really nice to be typing my blog on a computer instead of writing them from behind the confines of jail. With that being said, I’m sort of leery of my content, post incarceration. It seems to me that focus is so much easier when all your freedom is stripped from you. Freedom provides access to distraction, and right now, distraction is my number one enemy. But alas, I keep moving forward. I expect all who follow my blogs to continue to travel this path with me. The only thing I ask is that you show me a little fucking respect and refrain from bullshitting me. I want your input (said the robotic slut to her human male companion). If you feel I start slack in my writings, comment about it. If you feel in total disagreement to the things I say, comment about it. If you agree with all of my rantings and simply want to shower me with verbal praise, well dag nabbit, comment about it.
The Evans From The Heavens blog, and even more so, the Digital Lizard Productions website has been experiencing some major effing growth. Our daily views have been growing day by day. Our web series video views have been flourishing as well. The one thing I personally feel is lacking is the comments. Please people, just do me a favor. This can be your version of giving me a “welcome Home” or “Jail Graduation” gift. Comment, comment, comment. Got nothing to say? Just say hi. We not only want to entertain you and please you, but we also want your feedback, it pleases us. Mutual pleasure is the best kind ya know.
“I’m a fly Malcolm X, by any jeans necessary” – Kanye West
Speaking of pleasure, upon my release from the clinker, I was bombarded with emails, facebook messages, and the like, informing of Kanye West’s MTV VMA performance of his new song Runaway. In their own individual way, every message was the same; “Keith, that song Runaway is your theme song”. After finally illegally downloading said song (and crying tears of personal defeat and triumph) I was inclined to agree. I then began to learn of Kanye West’s re-emergence into our lives. He kind of went silent after his Taylor-slaying (an emotionally violent act I fully support), and personally, the only thing I had heard from him was his leak single Power which debuted shortly before I went into my “coma”.
Again, how do I go about this?
Be you a Yeezy fan or not, his musical genius is slightly undeniable. It was just common sense to assume that he would return shortly with yet another soundscape of phenomenal proportions. What many may not have seen coming was Mr. West’s directorial debut. I was pleasantly appalled to discover that on October 23rd, 2010, Kanye would be premiering not a video for Runaway, but a short film (simultaneously on MTV, MTV2, and some really shitty channel called BET). Oh how Michael Jackson of Kanye to pull off something of this unimportance.
But that’s thing I think I love and hate about Kanye at the same time. He’s not only an amazing producer and an extremely under-rated lyricist. He’s managed to successfully allow his celebrity to magnify who he is, kind of like Spider-Man’s symbiotic black costume (whoa, that was a pun I did not intend to intend, but pretty fucking funny). Kanye West IS the ambassador of unnecessary excess, which in turn, makes him the ambassador of this country. He’s as American as Hawaiian black Presidents and I Phone apps that urinate for you. Well, the ambassador’s back, in total full effect. The Kanye twitter era is a perfect example;
“Is it super lonely and miserable to buy yourself a Cartier love bracelet... well I guess I do love myself lol!!!” – Kanye West via Twitter
I mean this motherfucker bought himself a Cartier love bracelet, purely on the general principle that he loves himself. I couldn’t have done it worse myself. . . . . and believe me, I’ve tried. Let’s not even mention the ridiculous situation of his alleged banned album cover. I mean let’s be honest, the picture (apparently some piece of art Kanye liked and probably bought for way more than it was worth) is fugly anyways, yet this, somehow, is an issue that is suppose to add to the “I Love/Hate Kanye” movement. And funny thing is, it’s working.
So, I’m sitting in front of the television, 7pm central standard time, completely expecting a “film” that exhibits all the eclectic, pricey sagaciousness that is Mr. West. First scene, the Louis Vitton Don, running frantically down a wooded back road, open white button down, black slacks, and probably a pair of $12,000 shoes that aren’t fit for running. Cut to him driving in a Lambo down same road, minutes before an apparent comet (or meteor) crashes into his ride, leaving behind Selita Ebanks dressed like a hot chicken as road kill. Let the gratuitous esoteric visual journey begin.
Besides the fact that I fully expected for Mr. West to completely over indulge his “artistic” vision with a lot of incomprehensible, inventive, and intense imagery, I was atleast looking for the self dubbed “short film” Runaway to actually depict some sort of illustration of the actual song Runaway. The reason I so love the song is because of it honest testimony from an asshole’s point of view. Now, yes, I do get that any self respecting asshole with wealth WOULD probably have a weekend love affair with a bird lady every now and again. I was just hoping for something more along the lines of film narrating music, or vice versa. Sometimes expecting Kanye to do one thing is a sure fire way to receive something completely contradictory.
The rest is filled with random cuts of slo-mo explosions and pseudo artistic gibberish, not to mention a lot of hilarious moments in which the scene cuts to Kanye’s face for no apparent reason. To be honest, Kanye’s acting is pretty downright sad (as it probably should be, seeing as though he’s such a character already, becoming an open shell is probably an unattainable concept). His best non rapping moment is when he audibly copulates the chicken lady with his MPC2000 XL. On the other hand however, Selita Ebanks (Victoria Secret’s model and apparently ex-fiancée’ of Nick Cannon) actually does an amazing job in the role of the chicken lady. She captured the physical animation of her non earthly chicken character, all the way down to her gorgeous nervous ticks. I’m not sure what other roles she’s ever played (and don’t really care enough to go to IMDB to investigate), but purely based on what I saw of her in this short film (and believe me, we’re treated to seeing a decent portion of her) I would love to see her tackle a good script. Now I know what you’re going to say; “Keith, she’s suppose to be a phoenix”. That’s all fine and dandy, but my name’s Keith Evans, I’m a 33 year old African-American male and I definitely know a hot piece of chicken when I see it.
Thanks to this film, there’s a few things I learned about Kanye that I didn’t know, but was not at all surprised to discover;
1. When Kanye hosts a dinner party, you are required to wear all white, the same color as his slaves that will serve you. Classic.
2. Much like my daughter, Kanye West is not a huge fan of socks. Now, I understand that there’s an entire fashion world out there that embraces the idea of not wearing dress socks with expensive Italian footwear, however, in the world I live in, it’s sweaty and gross.
3. If you are a bird, and you plan on dating Kanye West, do not be shocked if on your first date, he takes to a dinner and serves your mother as the main entrée. In his mind, that’s just your fault for being a bird.
4. The only news Kanye watches is foreign news.
5. Kanye owns 3 pets (besides his chicken head girlfriend) which are a rabbit, a fawn, and some kind of long tailed sheep hybrid created by the oil spill.
6. Kanye managed to put on a better Celebration of Life parade for Michael Jackson than the Staples Center or the city of Gary Indiana ever could. And his was just for the enjoyment of himself and his chicken lady.
All in all, it was artsy enough, weird enough, and conceited enough to be talked about until his
album is released. If the music that served as this “film’s” score was any indication of what the album will sound like, I’m in. If, at the very least, this short film inspires women to be the “sexy Chicken Lady” for Halloween, I’m definitely in.
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