~This is a B-log from like the start of ‘09 that I just read and found amusing. Consider it an effing bonus~

Wow, I don’t even know how to type on the computer anymore. So ok, just sitting here right now, I couldn’t even tell you when my last blog was. I definitely was NOT doing on the regular, but honestly I think I’ll try harder to do so. Since the last time I’ve even been remotely active in the internet world, I’ve had some drastic things happen. I had an intense conversation with God. I’ve literally had almost everything taken from me, or at least restricted. And I was in, what Mikey Migo would call, a coma. (footnote number one, a “coma” in Digital Lizard language is when one is detained in solitary confinement, be it mental, physical, emotional, etc. Take it how you will.)The “coma” wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be, with the exception of it’s domino affect resulting in the dismembering of my life. I did lose 15 to 20 pounds, which is always nice, as I like to stay cosmetically with the times without having to put forth any effort. Needless to say that I’ve gained at least 10 since being set fr. . . .er, I mean “waking up”.The conversation with God put a lot of things in perspective. I feel a lot older mentally and spiritually, and luckily I still look younger physically, so regardless of the obstacles, I think it was worth it. Now, I’m not saying in the least that a conversation with God is fun and exciting. I suppose it could be in different circumstances. But in MY circumstance it was more like discussing your negative progress report on parent teacher night, except your parent and your teacher are the same person, which of whom just happened to create you. I can’t really say exactly, word for word, how it went, but hypothetically, I’m pretty sure if it were caught on film, it might’ve went similar to this. . . .

Keith: (full of tears) Dear heavenly Father, I know we’ve been through this a million times, and I know you’re probably sick of bailing me out of situations. . .

GOD: (singing) “Stacks on deck, patron on ice. . . ”

Keith: (frustrated) Uhm, hello? God? I come to you right now, boldly before your throne dear Lord. . . . .

GOD: (singing) “. . .we can pop bottles all night baby you can have whatever you liiiiiiiike, I said uh you can have whatever you liiiiiiiiiiiiiiike. . . .”

Keith: (angry) Are you SERIOUS right now?

GOD: (condensending) Are YOU serious right now?

Keith: I’m trying to pray to you. . . .

GOD: (interrupting) Ooooooh, somebody got arrested and now they’re praying for their freedom. Like I haven’t heard THAT one before.

Keith: Ok, so are you gonna help me?

GOD: You realize I only help those who help themselves right? Or have you not read the awesome book I wrote. You should really check it out. I make Stephanie Meyer look like flippin’ rookie. . .

Keith: Ok, so, what does that even mean? Can you help me or no?

GOD: (turning around in circles, flailing his arm’s around like a stereo-typical black person) Oh no you di-int!!!!!! Aw heaven’s naw!!!!!! I know you just didn’t ask the notorious G.O.D. if I possessed the ability to help you. You trippin’ son, straight up and down. Keith the gentile gots the nerve to ask me. . .

Keith: It be nice if for once, when we talked, you didn’t bring up my uncircumcised penis.

GOD: Well, it’d be nice if for once you actually took the time to think before you did stupid sh. . . Whoa! Boy you done messed around and almost made me curse. Listen. Am I not God?

Keith: (looking down in shame) . . .yes. . .

GOD: Did I not create the heavens and the izearth?

Keith: (sighing) yessssssss.

GOD: Dizid I nizot rizain fizire and brizim stizone on dem haterz when they be trippin’ on me?

Keith: Seriously, can you stop with the double dutch talk?

GOD: My bad. What I’m trying to say is this. You know I got you. But I can’t just give people stuff and then afterwards they just continue on disrespecting me. I don’t think I ask for much. Maybe Father Whitebread does, but not me. All I ask is that you trust me. Show a little faith. Just a little. You don’t have to be all David Koresh about it. Seriously. Love me, love everybody else, don’t be a moron, and let me handle the rest. How hard is that? What part of “I Got This” don’t you understand?

Keith: Yeah, I know. It’s just sometimes I. . . .

GOD: Just so you know, where I’m from, we throw up the deuces to excuses.

Keith: (laughing) Oh Jehovah, you know just what to say to make me feel better.

GOD: (sarcastically) You think? Wow, thanks for your approval. At first I wasn’t sure if I had what it took, then I realized I’m the God flippin’ Almighty!!!!! I invented this thang fool!!!! If the world was a remix then I AM P. Diddy!

Keith: Ok, I’m sorry. I didn’t really mean it like that.

GOD: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta get going. I TiVo-ed Benny Hinn and I gotta see what bull crap he’s gonna say in my name this week. Like honestly, if he wanted me to visit, alls he gots to do is ask a Father. Misrepresentation like a mutha!

Ok, well maybe not exactly like that, but if I made movie about it, that’d be good enough. But anyway, I think you kind of see my point. Luckily for me though, having that small amount of faith helped me a lot. I guess all I got to do is do my part. As far as everything else? Now that I am no longer in my “coma” it’s business as usual. The second movie is getting ready to be shot soon, and I’m very excited about it. Speaking of which, if you have not seen All The Love In The World, it’s a must have. Please, if you have the means in these horrible times, get yourself a copy, pronto. Regardless of the fact that I am legally obligated by Digital Lizard Productions to say that, seriously, get one and watch it. If for nothing than to tell me how horrific I am in it. Your criticism can only help my future ya know?

Nuff Said